Are you the type of person who tests the water with your toe, or dives into the deep end?
My younger brother and I share the same gene pool, but there are certainly differences between us. I am generally more cautious. You might say different strokes for different folks. One preference is not better than the other. But that’s not always the message we communicate to our young children.
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Clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy, a.k.a. Dr. Becky of the “Good Inside” podcast, believes that adults should stop using “shy” as a negative label for children. We tell teenagers, “Don’t do something just because the other students are doing it.” But we turn around and say to toddlers, “Go and play with the other kids!” Why do we affirm teenagers for standing up to the crowd, while insisting that younger children join their peers?
Many of us are well-intentioned. If the little ones are “shy,” we worry about their self-confidence. But Dr. Becky points out that you can confidently say, “No, thank you.” Confidence is not defined by participating in a sport or performing on stage. Confidence is the feeling, “I’m okay being me.” That’s my hope and prayer for all my children.
Now that I am a father, I have a chance to practice what I preach.
As the pandemic restrictions have eased, my younger son wants to do everything: Taekwondo, T-ball, Cub Scouts…and that’s just one week’s worth of activities!
My older son wants no part of extracurriculars. He has good friends in the neighborhood. Yet, he will also happily retreat upstairs with a book. He’s been this way his entire life. As a little boy, he could play by himself for hours. On road trips, he used to stare out the window, lost in his thoughts. He has a rich, inner life.
My wife and I did insist that he join Cub Scouts. And he loves it! But he’s super clear: “Dad, that’s enough for me.”
Growing up, I gained self-confidence through sports and music because I took a chance and gave it my best effort. But I don’t need him to follow in my footsteps. He doesn’t have to play baseball or guitar like me. I want him to believe in himself. And my son can gain confidence in other ways. In fact, he has modeled this from the time he was very young.
When he was only two-and-a-half years old, he told a kindly yet insistent older woman, “I need my space.”
A friend, who happened to overhear, whispered, “I wish I could say that.”
Indeed, he had the self-confidence to know what he needed to be okay.
No two people are exactly alike. As a parent, the key is trusting my children to know themselves. It may be appropriate to nudge my older son into a new activity, just as it might be necessary to rein in my younger from too many. But there shouldn’t be any judgment involved. I want to be encouraging, inviting them to their best selves. It’s like saying, “Come on in; the water’s fine! There’s plenty of space for you to be you.”
Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of Gently Between the Words: Essays and Poems. He is the pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church. He and his wife, also an ordained minister, parent three children and a dog named Ramona.