For nearly a year, the 1,200-pound Emil Paidar barber chair my father-in-law gave us from the barber shop he ran on Princess Street in Wilmington for nearly 50 years has sat right inside the doorway leading to the basement. One must swing the footrest around to open the door when bring groceries in. One must climb over it to take the laundry to the basement.
It should have been moved long ago, but was too daunting. My 21-year-old son and three beefy friends tried one weekend, but it was simply too heavy. So it has sat and we have all worked around it. I joked that we would have to sell the house "as is, with the chair."
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This is not so different from the many situations I (and other geriatric care managers) step into: problems that families find too unwieldy to unravel. From mom’s newly worrisome memory issues to dad’s repeated falls requiring a 911 call for assistance picking him up, from from moving a parent into Assisted Living to emptying and selling their home, from neglectful or profligate adult children to uncharacteristic and combative behaviors by an aging parent, sometimes it feels easier to simply walk around the daunting impediment. Until it doesn’t.
This past Sunday, frustrated by climbing over the barber chair with the weekend's laundry, I found a large straight edge screwdriver and set to the arduous task of taking the chair apart. First, the headrest, then the arms, the cushions, the footrest.
When approaching a daunting family crisis, it’s important to take a similar approach: one piece at a time. Mom is struggling to live safely at home? Let’s make some home modifications and perhaps introduce home help. Dad’s behaviors due, the family assumes, to his dementia, are no longer safe for mom to manage at home? Let’s first see if there is something medical going on, then look at supports. Would an adult day program be appropriate, now that things are opening up again? Two afternoons of home help or an adult child coming in to give mom a break? Or, if it is time to move dad into a Memory Care community, let’s educate ourselves on costs, services, visitation policies, etc. of places nearby.
This is, of course, more easily said than done, I know. I also know that often simply isolating a part of the problem and tackling that first can then provide insight and confidence into solving another part. Like that song sung by Mickey Rooney, “Just put one foot in front of the other…”
Problem-solving can be messy, unconventional and not entirely straightforward. On Sunday, while I took as many parts off the chair as possible, the remaining skeleton was still too heavy to load onto a wheelbarrow or handtruck. Fortunately, between my husband, son and self, we were able to slide it onto a cadaver table salvaged years ago from the hospital’s dump. It now sits in the garage where I imagine it will be until we sell the house.
Desmond Tutu once famously said, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”
Today might be the day to break those daunting tasks down and tackle the piece that seems most possible. Who knows? Over time, you might accomplish those that seem utterly impossible.