Is it shame or pride, fear, self consciousness, stoicism or the belief our adult children cannot handle the stress that keeps us from talking about the very real worries that arise or seem on the horizon in the terrain of old old age?
I have certainly kept my own mouth shut in past family crises. I would fathom that that is the case more often than not for most of us.
Other WRAL Top Stories
In a monthly seminar on aging I run for my church, last month’s speaker, psychologist Landy Anderton, warned that these large feelings, like a wound, need to be tended or they come out “side ways.” We humans have become so creative in all the ways we distract or numb ourselves from overwhelming situations and feelings, ignoring the sideway spill-offs, and often at our peril.
I am not saying that, in the face of an unbearable situation we are bearing alone, we need to announce it over the loudspeaker. What I am saying is that we might consider that our loved ones might actually be able to carry more than we give them credit for. They might even really want to.
I think my monthly seminar has grown to the size it has because we so desperately want a place to talk and listen to the topics that, alone, can overwhelm us, but in community, can help us put things in perspective, see solutions, even bring us closer.
It’s a paradox, isn’t it? The very thing things we are most afraid to name and talk about may also be the very things that make a relationship with a loved one richer, deeper, and more intimate? Of course, I know that that’s not always the case.
How is it that one learns to speak a new language--in a sense, to communicate in new ways within old relationships? Often it is not simply by waking up one morning and deciding to. Most often it is in a moment of unbearable pain and need or crisis, a challenge beyond all previous challenges. It may start like this:
“I’m in an ambulance with your father on the way to Wake Med…” or
“I can no longer take care of your mother at home,” or
“We have run out of money,” or
“I’m afraid I’m losing my mind…”
It’s never, ever convenient.
However, it can provide a portal through which a whole other planet becomes visible-- one that maybe even, at least from the vantage point well after the chaos and stress has subsided, becomes one of those moments in life of which you are most proud.