The tracks for personal and family dynamics get laid down, interaction over interaction, year after year. And when a family or individual is not in crisis, these dynamics often run unseen in the background while our lives unfold. But when a crisis comes to the fore—in the form of an unanticipated stroke, a precipitous drop in cognitive function, an elder parent who can no longer manage alone after the death of a spouse, or one of the many other situations that often arise with aging, these dynamics and mental habits leap to the fore.
“Why does she complain about everything?” one adult daughter lamented about their mother’s precipitous decline with Alzheimer’s.
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In another case, a wife panicked about the sudden appearance of uncharacteristic nightly furious rants by her husband during the sundowning period of the day. “I’m scared of him,” she confessed.
In a third, an adult child lamented that she had lost her temper with her father, who was living with the family, after he urinated for the third time that day in the living room.
I understand, from personal experience, this mental space. Or rather that it feels like there is no space at all to change the dynamic other than flee the situation, throwing a bomb as you drive away. Not a literal bomb, of course, but perhaps it takes the form of a mean comment or a closed door.
I’ve done that--even in my fifties. I’ll be the first to tell you that I am far from perfect. Some days, I’m sure, my kids and husband would be happy to provide ample evidence to that effect.
But I’ve also learned that this happens to the best of us. I’ve learned that sometimes we have to unlearn the responses that we've mindlessly developed over a lifetime. Sometimes that's easier than others. Sometimes all it takes is a good night’s sleep, some self compassion or a little pocket of time alone to enable you to meet an old situation freshly. There need not be a dramatic change in circumstances, but there could be a seismic shift in how you respond to those circumstances.
“Mom, I’m sorry you don’t like the food. Let me see what I can do about that.”
“Honey, I understand you’re frustrated. Let me call our son and you can see if he has any ideas on how to make you feel better.”
“Dad, we’ve both had a long day. How about if I put some of our favorite music on and we can talk about why you’re mad at me later?”
I also know, at times, it feel like there is no better response than to “go Thelma and Louise” and drive off a cliff in the face of a situation which feels impossible. What might happen if instead, you took a deep breath and just like your kindergarten teacher tutored you, counted slowly to ten?
As Epictetus said 2000 years ago (and many have said since), “It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”