Sometimes, when I see an old photograph of mother, my eyes well up. I wonder how it’s possible to summon such sadness so many years after my mother died. What is it about our relationships with our mothers that tug at our heartstrings to the very core of our being?
I had a revelation today as I was running along the beach with my daughter. I believe in a world that is so complicated and so full of distractions, the one thing we all really want is to be seen for who we really are.
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I’m not talking about the person you see in the office or at school or on social media, but the real essence of who we are. For many of us, we believe our mothers are the only people in our lives who really see us. They see the good, the bad, the potential, and everything else in between. It is both scary and freeing to be “seen.” That’s probably why so many people have bittersweet relationships with their mothers throughout their lives.
The flip side of this is that I now see my daughters in the same way my mother saw me. I see their beauty and their strength, even when they don’t. I see their negativity and their short-sightedness, even when they don’t. And I see the lovely, complex mixture of personality traits and core beliefs that make up who they are right now as teenagers and who they will be as women.
It’s both exciting and daunting to be in the presence of girls becoming women.
The delicate balance that a mother must strike is to show your children that you see them for everything they are, and that you love them for everything they are. Sometimes, it’s hard to get them to believe this—that you love them, warts and all. But it’s true.
A funny thing happens as your children careen towards adulthood, they start to see you too. You are no longer just the person who pays for everything, drives carpool, and does the grocery shopping. You are an imperfect human being with many facets—good and bad—just like them.
It’s important for them to know you are an evolving, growing, person, just like them, a person who is striving to live better, with more compassion and less judgment as every year passes. This too is an exciting moment. It is part of the cycle of life. My mother may be gone, but I now have two daughters I am raising into women who are beginning to reciprocate the unconditional love I felt with her.
It feels good to be seen.
Amanda is the mom of two, a reporter for WRAL-TV and the author of several books including some on motherhood. Find her here on Mondays.