I was trying to think of one word that summarizes our responsibility as parents of teens, and the word I came up with was ”navigation.”
While teenagers don’t want their parents controlling their lives, in fact, they would prefer their parents stayed out of their lives, they still need help steering the ship. I’m reminded of this every time my younger daughter asks me a question about how to handle a particular situation. In some ways, it’s as if my dearly departed mother is speaking through my lips as I try to guide my youngest to a reasonable and fair solution.
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“Mom, how would you respond to this?” she asks, sometimes in an anxious tone I have become all too familiar with.
Always on the sidelines
We talk out situations, and I give her possible solutions to her scenarios. She doesn’t always like my advice, or take it, but she listens, and I do believe that she incorporates what I tell her into her overall response. I am very clear with her that I will not fight her battles, but I will always be on the sidelines to help her map her strategy.
My mom was a lawyer, and she would often counsel me over the phone to make columns of pros and cons for every major decision and even some minor decisions that I was making in my life. She had an uncanny sense of how human beings reacted to certain situations, and she was able to steer me towards solutions that I knew were right, even if they didn’t always please everyone. I know that I am a better human being for having had a mother with her logical sense of diplomacy.
Honesty and kindness as guide
So, when I have an opportunity to navigate, I am more than happy to help. I routinely remind my daughter that I was a teenager once too and that all human beings are imperfect. My guiding principles, which no doubt came for my mother, include honesty and kindness. I feel privileged that she asks for my advice, and I hope she will continue to do so.
So, in the morning, when I plant a kiss on her forehead, giving her enough love that I hope will last throughout the day, and she pulls away, I am reminded that while she may be the co-captain, I am still gladly steering the ship.
Amanda is the mom of two, a reporter for WRAL-TV and the author of several books including some on motherhood. Find her here on Mondays.