Amanda Lamb: Sparkles

Saturday would have been my mother’s 80th birthday. Until she died from a malignant brain tumor in 2012, I never really understood people who paid tribute to their dead parent’s birthday year after year. But I do now.

In the first few years after she died, I honored her by spending the day alone doing things that we might have done together. While it was part of my grieving process, it was also very isolating.

In recent years, we celebrated Christmas with my husband’s family on the day after the holiday which also happened to be my mother’s birthday. And it turned into a day just like any other day. I would think of her, of course, but it wouldn’t be marked by anything special.

But Saturday morning I woke up to something I had never seen before. On Christmas night I placed a glass tree I’ve had for decades in the middle of my kitchen table after I cleaned up from dinner. My mother was much more fond of decorating than I am, and she gave it to me as a gift when we were first married.

I have significantly paired down my Christmas decor, but for some reason, I’ve never been able to part with this funny little glass tree. When I walked into the kitchen, the sunlight was hitting it just right and there were little sparkles of light on every wall. I grabbed my husband to be a witness and took a few pictures. A few minutes later, when I returned to the kitchen, the sparkles were gone.

Everyone who knew my mother knew she was very fond of sparkly things. She loved bright clothing, bright jewelry, bright artwork, bright people, anything that shined. She often gave her friends the gift of glitter. So, when I saw the sparkles on the wall I felt sure that the moment was a gift from my mother to me.

No matter how old we get, our parents are our anchors to the world. Losing my mother was probably the most single defining moment of my adult life. And while I’m so glad she is not here to live through the pandemic, there have been so many times I wished I could’ve asked her advice in the past few months about how we are all living now. Because in addition to being sparkly, she was also very wise.

Her legacy is a tough one to follow. But as I sit here reflecting on the lovely Christmas I just shared with my family that embraced so many traditions started by her, I realize that her sparkle doesn’t just surround me on Dec. 26. It’s there all the time, I just can’t always see it.