Advice about pacifiers from a mom who learned the hard way

Well, they were awesome until they really, really weren’t.

How did I end up with a 3.5 year old daughter who couldn’t give up her paci? Let’s just say mistakes were made. But I’m here to pass along my story and the lessons I learned from it so you can skip the paci drama we are finally (finally) on the tail end of. Whew.

With my older daughter, Ivy Kate, the journey weaning from pacifiers was exactly what you hope for. When she was around 2, we knew we needed to take away the pacifier for a number of reasons–tooth and palate growth, speech patterns, and healthy self-soothing habits, to name a few. So when her paci had a hole, we told her she’d just have to go to bed without it. And believe it or not, that was that. No fallout, no relapse. Just…done.

If only I’d had the perspective then to appreciate what a gift that was! Instead, I just assumed the process would be the same with my second daughter, Lainey.

Boy, was I wrong! When Lainey was around age 2, she was very attached to her pacifier; so much, in fact, that she could articulate that the paci helped her calm down. “Well,” thought my husband and I proudly, “That’s very self-aware.” She also had a nanny who allowed her to have a pacifier all day–not something I would have chosen, but also not something I stopped. Listen–there was a pandemic, for crying out loud! I just…couldn’t. So we let her keep her paci for a bit longer.

Nope, nope, and nope. Lainey insisted she needed it to calm down; our pediatrician agreed we could take another step back from trying to wean her from the paci. For now.

Finally, though, the time had come. There was a hole in the last paci, (...there was also mold in it. I know.) and I felt mentally ready to take away the paci and deal with the inevitable fallout. But y’all? It was worse than I expected. So so bad for so so long. Lainey was truly sad–heartbroken, even–that her beloved soothing tool had been taken away. And it was painful to walk through that with her. But also, it led to a lot of bad behavior. Weeks of it. Sheesh.

Which led me to talk to my pediatrician about what I could have done better to avoid this years-long struggle ending in weeks-long family angst. The short answer? LOTS. I could have done lots of things better. But let’s get a little more specific, shall we?

Here are four pieces of advice from my pediatrician, with my sheepish, “if only I’d known this!” commentary.

Remember: a pacifier is for comfort and self-soothing. So letting a child have one all the time, explained my pediatrician, is reinforcing that we should be happy all the time…that we should never expect to be pulled outside our zone of soothing comfort. Which is, of course, no way to live, even as a toddler!

Give older babies and toddlers a reason for “why here? Why not there?” and eventually they’ll get it. This makes the eventual weaning process much easier. After all, they will have walked away from the pacifier many times by choice; they’ll be able to walk away permanently when the time comes. How elegantly simple is that?

Put on your PR hat and work the “cool big kid” campaign like it’s election season. Talk it up, get grandparents or beloved neighbors to talk it up–let the air be thick with the awesomeness awaiting your kid if…you know. In retrospect, I’m realizing my sales background would’ve made me a total pro at this plan. Sigh.

Then, your role is as comforter. Say, “I understand it’s hard. Change is often hard; I’m your parent, I’ll be here for you as you’re sad, but I can’t change the rules.” Acknowledge the sadness (because it’s real sadness, after all). Let your child vent. But enforce the house rule.

Here’s the final word from my pediatrician: have some grace with yourself. If you’ve weaned your child from the paci and you need to go back to it, it’s ok. That’s not you failing; that’s you making the best decision for your family in the moment. There are lots of reasons you might do this: a change in family structure, a move, a new sibling. Or, you know, a global pandemic. It’s ok. You took the paci away once; you can do it again when the time is right.

Well, parents, you know what I wish I’d known. Go forth and do better. Onward!