A Grand Tradition of Cinematic Human-Monster Romances

Heidi Gardner’s “Saturday Night Live” character, the teenage movie critic Bailey Gismert, spoke for many filmgoers when she reviewed “The Shape of Water”: “It was just, like, so weird!”

“The Shape of Water” leads the Oscars race, having earned 13 nominations, including best picture and best director.

From Guillermo del Toro, this lavish love story between a mute cleaning woman, played by Sally Hawkins, and a scaly amphibian man, played by Doug Jones, is part of a grand cinematic tradition of human-monster bodice-rippers. That may seem alienating on the surface, but maybe these creatures and mutants just need to market themselves better to communicate their appeal to the Tinder generation.

Consider these dating profiles. Which way would you swipe?

Age: 587

I’ve been told I’m a real lady-killer: tall, dark and hotblooded, with piercing red eyes and a sexy, exotic accent. Not that I’m a narcissist — I don’t even own a mirror!

I’ve got my own style. I often wear long capes and slick back my hair. In my opinion, black is always the new black.

I’m looking for a lady who’s loyal to the end, a real bite-or-die — I mean, ride-or-die bae. Oh, and I love a lady with a nice neck. Hope you don’t mind if I leave a mark!

You must have a valid passport, because I love to fly off to exotic locations at the bat of an eye.

So what do you say: Do you want a stake in my heart?

Why you should swipe right: You love to travel, too.

Why you should swipe left: I’m available only at night. I’m just not a morning person.

Age: 85

Loves: Climbing.

Hates: Planes — so annoying when they buzz over you.

Favorite song: “I Would Die 4 U.” (Rest in peace, Prince.)

I’m a big, strong beast, and I would put you in the palm of my hand to protect you if I could. I may look terrifying, but I’m really a gentle giant.

I’m originally from Skull Island, but I identify as a New Yorker. There is something about the city’s skyline that makes me go bananas. But in a good way. I’d love to take you to the top of one of Manhattan’s tallest towers. You won’t believe the view.

Why you should swipe right: I have kind eyes.

Why you should swipe left: You’re afraid of heights.

Age: Depends on the Body Part

I’m a tall guy, so I’d prefer to date a woman who’s six feet or taller. (Sorry, shorties!) If you’re into wearing high heels, even better. Maybe we can see eye to eye.

I’m good with children, unless they startle me. Other fears include fire. Fire bad!

If you like a cultured, sophisticated man about town, I might be the guy you’re looking for. Just ask me and I’ll perform my foot-stomping version of “Puttin’ On the Ritz.”

I’m not what you’d call a clotheshorse, but I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in casual wear.

My friends would describe me as having an electrifying personality.

Why you should swipe right: One of my exes said I helped her find the sweet mystery of life.

Why you should swipe left: Baldists need not apply.

Age: 20

I live in a huge castle, and I’m really into interior decorating and antiques. It’s filled with vintage teacups, armoires, clocks and candelabra. All the better for a romantic dinner at home. I must confess, though, that my table manners could use a little work.

I love to read, and I hope you do, too. I’ve got a library full of books, and I’m happy to share.

My posse call me an old-fashioned romantic. I’ve got a special rose waiting for the woman who can win my heart.

Call me out of step with the times, but I’m a skilled ballroom dancer. I would love to waltz with someone special.

A word of warning: If you’re not into guys with lots of body hair, I’m probably not the one for you. However, I’m happy to cover up my furry physique with formal attire.

So would you like to be my guest for dinner?

Why you should swipe right: If we hit it off, you’re welcome to stay at my pad indefinitely.

Why you should swipe left: I’m not looking for a hookup.

Age: Unknown

I absolutely love the water. Take me to the ocean, a river or a canal — anywhere that’s wet, and I’ll thrive. I also love to take long, salty baths. You’re more than welcome to join.

I’m lean and green, with the posture of a matador.

My culinary tastes are simple: Cook me a big batch of hard-boiled eggs, and I’m good for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Old-time jazz records get my webbed toes tapping (a Benny Goodman is hard to find, am I right?), and I enjoy swing dancing.

Classic Hollywood films are my favorite. You’ll often find me alone in a movie palace, getting lost in a classic black-and-white gem.

I’m not a big talker, and it’s OK if you aren’t, either. Sometimes it’s nice just to sit quietly and enjoy each other’s company, don’t you think?

Why you should swipe right: It’s almost spring — let’s go swimming.

Why you should swipe left: I’m not into whips and chains.