17 rules for the kids' table on Thanksgiving
Extended families are once again preparing to eat, drink and fall asleep in front of football games. Since your experience of recent years left you familiar with (and cursing) Zoom meetings, it stands to reason that we could all use a little refresher on a few of the finer points of in-person gatherings, namely the time-honored tradition of the table exclusively for kids.
Posted — Updated
1. The first rule, of course, is that kids do not eat at the dining room table with parents. Is nothing sacred? They can be seated at the kitchen table, a card table set-up in the living room, a picnic table on the back porch or in your brother’s new car that he hasn’t shut up about since he walked through the door.
2. Put the dessert table as far away from the kids as possible. Across the state line is probably a safe distance. Probably.
3. Don’t make a fuss about the place settings. No matter what you do, the youngest ones will set the bowls on their heads.
4. Here’s a tip: give the kids sporks — that combination of fork and spoon that is fun to say, easy to use and less sharp than knives.
5. If, however, their great uncle with the Old Testament beard drones past the three-minute mark with his prayer, the bowl-wearing kids have permission to attack him with sporks.
6. Cups that come with lids are proof that God loves parents and wants us to be happy.
7. This the only day of the year when gravy is its own food group.
8. The kids in STEM schools will figure out that sporks can used as catapults to launch cranberry sauce. If this year’s cranberry sauce is from a can, you can teach the kids how to aim at the relative who dared to bring this glop to the meal.
9. Nobody wants high-pitched screaming from the kids’ table, but a low roar is healthy. You should worry if things get too quiet. Ever heard of the movie, “All Quiet on the Western Front”? Whose genius idea was it to arm these kids with sporks?
10. That said, dads with three or more kids are never going to worry. CRASH! “My brother’s not bleeding … not much!” Dad shrugs. “You heard the kid. Pass the gravy, will you?”
11. No kicking at the kids’ table. Adults, however, can punt the older cousins’ phones into the backyard. They should be watching the younger kids — someone could get hurt!
12. It’s perfectly fine to leave the vacuum cleaner, a.k.a. dog, running under the kids’ feet throughout the meal. This is the best day of the pup’s life.
13. This is the worst day of the cat’s life.
14. It’s a rite of passage when kids graduate to the adult table. Mark this grand occasion by making them clear the dishes. Your niece’s new boyfriend can help by scrubbing the cranberry glop out of the carpet.
15. While other people are cleaning up, you should retrieve the cell phones you kicked into the backyard. Your kids are going to need some form of supervision while you’re conked out on the couch.
16. I am in favor of going around the table and asking people to name something that they are thankful for. I also know that, for gratitude to be meaningful, it must be genuine. Kids can smell a phony a mile away (like the dessert table). Don’t force them to say “Thank you” and reduce one of life’s joys to good manners. Savor the spontaneous expressions of gratitude like your favorite pumpkin pie.
16. Was that too preachy? Stick a spork in me.
17. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
Related Topics
• Credits
Copyright 2024 by Capitol Broadcasting Company. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
