‘I Couldn’t Tell Anyone’: Women Around the World Reveal Intimate Stories of Abortion

Voters in Ireland this spring struck down a 35-year-old constitutional ban on abortion, one of the strictest in Europe. In Poland, politicians are making a renewed push to restrict abortion. A bill to legalize abortion is narrowly advancing through Argentina’s Congress.

And in the United States, the departure of Justice Anthony Kennedy and President Donald Trump’s selection to succeed him is expected to redraw the well-established legal battle lines over abortion rights.

Behind the roiling public debates are deeply personal experiences: an unintended pregnancy, rape, family influence, a medical crisis, feelings of loss.

Even in places where the practice is legal, abortion can still be hard to talk about. When we invited readers to share their own stories, more than 1,300 responded from over 30 countries, showing the vast range of reasons, means and outcomes for abortion.

We selected the 13 stories below from distant pockets of the globe. They reflect the spectrum of abortion laws and the important roles of money, technology, information and culture in dictating the safety and aftermath of the procedure. These accounts have been condensed and edited for clarity, and to protect the identities of those involved.

Under the Honduran penal code, abortion is illegal in all cases. The possible exception described in the country’s Medical Code of Ethics is when an abortion would save the life of a pregnant woman, but that can be hard to determine and the ethics code does not rise to the level of national law.

I found a doctor in my community. I told him about my situation and he decided to “help” me. It was a risky situation for him, and I didn’t have the large sum of money he asked for.

He said he would reduce the price if I had sex with him. Scared, I accepted.

After I “paid” him, he inserted an injection and pills into my uterus. It was painful, like cramps, but worse. I couldn’t tell anyone, and I was worried because through the course of the night I hadn’t even bled. I was afraid it wouldn’t work and that I’d wind up with a sick baby.

I went to the doctor first thing in the morning. He examined me and said that I was so early into the pregnancy that my body reabsorbed it [the embryo remnants].

My period returned some time after. It was heavy, and it smelled bad, but I haven’t experienced any irregularities since. To date, I don’t know the repercussions this may have had on my body.

Nobody aside from my partner knew. I had to go on with my life as if nothing happened.

Until this spring, abortion was illegal in Ireland except to save the woman’s life.

The surgery itself was horrible, but my nurse held my hand through it. As we were leaving, she told me to rest and take my antibiotics that evening. I should expect to bleed heavily over the next few days, but this was normal.

After arriving at the hotel, I tried to sleep, when a sign on the hotel dresser caught my eye: “Soilage Charge: £150.” I had been so brave until that moment, but I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

The hotel, the last-minute flights, the transport to and from the airport, the actual surgery — my credit card was maxed out. I couldn’t afford another £150 ($200).

My boyfriend was already asleep in the bed, so I made my way into the bathroom, rolled my jacket into a pillow and slept in the bathtub, crying myself to sleep.

Abortion is illegal in Nigeria except to save the woman’s life.

A few weeks later, I got ill. I went to the hospital and was told I was pregnant.

I confronted my boyfriend, but he denied the pregnancy. I thought, I will break the hearts of everyone who looked after me. I was so scared and all alone.

My boyfriend then took me to an unskilled provider who carried out a surgical procedure on me at 12 weeks. It was quite painful and was done in a dirty environment. I was scared that I would lose my life.

Two months later I was ill again and went back to the hospital; a scan revealed that I was 20 weeks pregnant. I continued to carry the pregnancy but had a stillbirth at 37 weeks.

It took me a long time to recover after the death of my child. I still somehow feel responsible that the failed abortion exposed my baby to infection.

Abortion is legal in the United States. Individual states have restrictions on the procedure, including waiting periods and limits on timing, generally to before 20 to 24 weeks of gestation.

On a frigid morning in January 2009, my now-ex husband drove me to a now-closed clinic, off Route 9 in Boston. I recall sitting behind him in the car ride down — rather than beside him — because this abortion was his idea.

We entered the waiting room, where my husband paid for the abortion. For over an hour I wept in a chair beside him. I could not complete the intake form. I could not check off the small box in the lower corner of the page asking about coercion.

I was shaking, weeping and frightened. At one point, a silver-haired security worker approached me and said, “You should not be here.”

With great reluctance, I signed the form and waited my turn.

For years following, I have heard the cries of newborns — at the grocery store, in the airport on my way to a business trip, in parks, on sidewalks — and it triggers that frigid day in January.

Australian abortion laws vary by state. In Queensland, it is illegal except to protect a woman’s mental or physical health.

We decided mostly based on that factor, and out of not wanting our child to endure a lifetime of hardship and pain.

Despite it being a criminal offense in my state, my obstetrician and a colleague of his arranged the paperwork for exemption for a surgical abortion, done at 12 weeks. My care was all very streamlined, and I did not feel judged. Our total out of pocket was about $500.

It was a traumatic experience that’s forever changed me. I was always pro-choice, but just didn’t think it would be my choice.

Since 1967, abortion has been widely legal in England, Scotland and Wales for pregnancies not exceeding 24 weeks. An abortion must be provided by a doctor and also requires signoff from two other doctors.

The internet has spread information about abortions as well as access to the procedure. Websites, like the Netherlands-based Women on Web, provide the pills necessary for an early medical abortion. Each woman is given an online consultation with a licensed doctor before she is mailed the medications, typically mifepristone and misoprostol pills, that induce a miscarriage.

Abortion is broadly legal for health and socioeconomic reasons in Zambia, but it requires the consent of three doctors and must be performed in a hospital. Violations of those rules have penalties of up to seven years in prison for the provider and 14 for the patient.

I was working full-time and studying for my master’s — I could not have a baby. In fact, I don’t like children and never wanted any.

The process of seeking an abortion through the government system was harrowing. Every step seems like a deterrent. They require several counseling sessions with providers who are very quick to make snide remarks to shame and belittle your circumstances and choice.

In the end, I decided to forgo the entire legal system in favor of purchasing misoprostol pills from a pharmacist I knew who was willing to sell them without a prescription.

I was eight weeks pregnant, and I was not sure of my eligibility, the right dosage or the proper instructions for administration. None of the pharmacists I tried consulting could help me. I finally stumbled across several websites that offered instructions.

I took the pills according to the online directions and waited. I felt severe cramping and nausea but otherwise no other symptoms.

I have encouraged all my friends to go this route should they ever find themselves with an unwanted pregnancy.

In Poland, abortion is legal when the woman’s life is at risk, or in cases of rape, incest or severe prenatal defects.

I contacted Women on Web and got medicine for an abortion.

The most stressful part was waiting for delivery because Polish customs officials are checking packages like this.

During the abortion I was alone but had a lot of help from other women online. That was very important and made me feel I wasn’t alone.

Only my husband knows, I didn’t tell anyone else. Making a confession about abortion is almost a suicide here.

Oklahoma is one of many states that require a doctor’s physical presence for a medical abortion.

Fortunately, I had discovered the pregnancy early enough that I was able to induce the abortion through medication from Planned Parenthood.

Then I went to my in-laws’ house, where they could help me watch my children. I spent most of the day resting in the bathtub alone and suffered heavy bleeding for some time after.

I was not sad about this abortion. On the contrary, I recognized it as a necessary process to protect my children. My now ex-husband was becoming scarier to us all.

I haven’t told many people about it because I don’t want to have to argue with family members. It’s easier to spend time around each other without their judgment.

There are no federal laws restricting abortion in Canada, but provincial laws vary. In Alberta, abortions are legal up to 20 weeks.

The morning of my procedure, I wasn’t allowed food or drink. I had to bring a friend to the clinic to wait for me and take me home. Once we got through the security entrance, I was admitted and brought to the waiting room. Then, I left my friend, got into my gown and waited in a common room with other patients.

After the ultrasound, which I was not required to look at, and another waiting area, I was taken for my surgery. I gave my consent, and was put under.

When I woke up, I thought I’d slept through and missed my procedure, but it was done. At the clinic, I felt safe, and relieved. My ability to have an abortion will forever be something for which I feel gratitude.

Abortion is permitted to save a woman’s life, but the law does not state this explicitly. Poor women often turn to herbalists for abortion elixirs, and the Guttmacher Institute, a global authority on reproductive health research, estimates that roughly 1,000 Filipino women die each year from abortion complications.

After a woman has an abortion, even one as early as 10 weeks, she may experience leaking colostrum, an early form of lactation.

The next day I went to have an ultrasound. I found out that I was two months pregnant. I was dumbstruck. I had been seeing my boyfriend since March, but we only had sex in May. The baby wasn’t his.

When he got home that evening, it was raining hard, the power was out, yet I decided to tell him. He was understandably upset. After some time, he said that the choice was mine. I decided to get an abortion.

Abortion is not legal in my country, so the abortion was in secret. The abortionist charged us 10,000 pesos (roughly $500, adjusted for inflation), a thousand for every week I was along — a steep sum for a young couple.

The night of the abortion, my boyfriend dropped me at a designated spot. A boy, about 12, met me, and we walked a few minutes until we reached a clapboard house in one of the poorer parts of the city.

The “abortionista” brought me to a dimly lit room. She had instructed me to bring a nightgown. I was told to change into it. She then brought some pills for me to take and a glass of water. This was sometime around 8 p.m. She then pointed to the bed and told me to sleep until the time came.

About midnight I woke up to pain from contractions. I called out for the abortionist, and she immediately came. The pain escalated fast, up to the point where she instructed me to push, and so I did. It was over quickly.

She asked if I wanted to know the sex of the baby. I said, “Hindi.” (No.) She still answered that it was a boy, just in case my boyfriend would like to know.

She proceeded to clean me, then said it was time for me to go. So in the wee hours of the morning, I walked back to the roadside with the same boy. My boyfriend was waiting, and we went home.

The next day, my breasts started leaking colostrum. I didn’t know what to do. I applied warm compresses, not knowing this would enhance the milk production.

I ended up with a severe case of mastitis requiring an operation. I had to tell my surgeon what happened, but I begged him not to tell my parents. On paper, it appeared I just had an infection.

Eventually, I withdrew from law school because I had to undergo surgery for the infection. I instead took up nursing.

Until now, my loved ones do not know of the abortion. It is still taboo to talk about. Do I regret having done it? No. I wasn’t ready to be a mother, and of a child not born out of love.

Until this spring, abortion was illegal in Ireland except to save the woman’s life.

We brought home our baby’s remains in our hand luggage and buried them ourselves in secrecy.

Abortion is legal for any reason if the pregnancy has not exceeded 12 weeks.

As soon as I saw the pregnancy test was positive, I called my doctor and told her my situation. With no judgment, she gave me the number for a clinic that does abortions 14 km (9 miles) from where I live, so it was very accessible.

I called the clinic, got an appointment two days later. The gynecologist checked me for STDs, cleared me, and told me about the procedure for my medical abortion.

I had a follow-up at the clinic a few weeks later, to make sure everything was OK.

This cost me absolutely nothing, zero. I only paid for my painkillers.

I haven’t told my parents, since I am quite young, but my friends have all been very supportive. It was never a big deal for me, though, so we don’t really talk about it anymore.