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This is what miscarriage feels like

Posted April 23

Never did I think this would happen to me.

I’ve read about it, heard people talk about it, and had some people in my life experience it, but I never thought I would go through this.

Miscarriage is not something I wish upon my worst enemy.

The day I found out I was pregnant was a happy day. I couldn’t believe it. It took us almost a year to get pregnant (it felt longer). I took multiple tests to make sure it wasn’t a false positive. It didn’t feel real. Immediately I had to think of ways to announce it to my husband.

Watching him walk through the bedroom door to see the note and pregnancy test is a moment I will cherish forever. We both cried tears of joy while hugging. We felt like the only two people on the planet. That moment was special.

But throughout the pregnancy I kept having little negative thoughts.

I was worried, excited, scared, nervous, happy, etc. So many emotions were running through my head. People kept asking “How do you feel?” and “Are you sick yet?” All I could think about was that something was wrong because I felt just fine.

Although I was told I was having negative thoughts because I was scared and didn’t know what to expect with my first pregnancy, I knew something was wrong. Nobody believed me. My husband reassured me those thoughts didn’t mean I was going to lose the baby, but in my heart I knew.

The first doctor’s appointment was a success. I felt loads better after he was able to do an ultrasound and I could see our baby. He reassured me that my negative thoughts and symptoms were normal. It was wonderful. I couldn’t wait until the next month to see our baby again.

Almost a week after the appointment I woke up in pain.

I will never forget the way that I felt emotionally and physically the instant I woke up. As soon as the doctors office opened that morning we called and he was able to fit me in. Sitting in that waiting room, seeing all the pregnant women walking in and out felt like a knife through my heart.

I knew I had lost my baby and I hated every moment of it.

The doctor needed to do an ultrasound to see what was really happening. As soon as the ultrasound started I could tell the baby was gone.

My doctor searched and searched, but he couldn’t find anything.

The next words were the worst words to hear “I’m sorry, but your baby is no longer there. It must have already passed.”

It was heart-wrenching pain.

“Why me? Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? What am I supposed to do next? Will I ever be able to have another? Will I be able to have the courage to have another?” So many questions ran through my mind. I couldn’t grasp onto my thoughts.

The next thing I had to do was awful: calling my husband.

He was at work and couldn’t come to the appointment with me. I wish he was with me. Hearing him break down over the phone hurt me even more. I felt like I had failed him. I know that’s not how he felt, but that’s how I felt. I failed to bring him our baby.

Nobody can prepare you for this pain you feel after losing a baby.

I don’t care how far along you are when you lose a baby or if the died after birth; it’s still hard. Your connection with the baby can’t be explained.

The day you find out there is a baby inside of you, you instantly fall in love with it.

You don’t even know anything about your baby, but it’s instant love.

If I would have done something different would it still end up this way?

People assure me it wasn’t my fault. The baby wasn’t forming correctly and that’s the way our bodies handle it. But how could you not think (at least once) that it wasn’t your fault?

It was the longest weekend of my life. Why did it have to be both emotionally AND physically painful?

The worst part was being on bed rest for a whole weekend so my body could do what it needed to clear everything out and heal. Being stuck in bed wouldn’t allow me to do other things to take my mind off of the miscarriage.

I wanted to ignore all of the emotions that came with it.

I wanted to push it aside and just try and forget about it.

My best friend had her baby the day after I lost mine.

That was hard. I was so happy for her, but trying to hold in my pain and sorrow to share in her happiness was so hard. It was just another thing to stab me in the heart, right? Wrong. This was actually exactly what I needed.

The moment I got to hold that baby in my arms, I looked in his eyes and I knew everything was going to be okay.

I felt that he knew my baby and my baby wanted me to be happy. It was the way it was supposed to happen. As hard and emotional as it was to be there knowing that could have been us, it was exactly what I needed.

Everything happens for a reason. I try and remind myself of that every day. I know everything will be okay because we will be able to see our baby again. He is our little angel baby watching over us.

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