The Magnificent Seven: Not really, but we have to sell tickets

Denzel Washington plays Sam Chisolm, a bounty hunter hired by a mining village to rid them of an evil land baron trying to drive the residents out of town. Sam recruits Josh Faraday, a drinker, a gambler and an amateur magician played by Chris Pratt, who has absolutely no business being in a period film. The whole time you’re watching him you have one of two thoughts. It’s either “Hey, it’s Bert Maclin!” or “Hey, it’s Star Lord!”

Pratt and the two townspeople that hired Chisolm set out to find Goodnight Robicheaux, a Cajun gunslinger and Confederate veteran played by Ethan Hawke. Say, wasn’t he also in Training Day? Robicheaux has taken to hustling gun fights with the help of his friend Billy, played by Byung-hun Lee. Chisholm sets out to find Vazquez, a Mexican bandit, played by Manuel Garcia-Rulfo, who Chisolm is supposed to collect a bounty for. When Chisolm finds Vazquez, he offers to forget he ever saw the criminal, if Vazquez will join the team.

The other two members of the seven join by pure happenstance. Vincent D’Onofrio plays John Hunt, a legendary Indian hunter and bear trapper who agrees to join the fight in order to combat his loneliness. Finally, Chisolm persuades a Comanche warrior named Red Harvest, played by relative newcomer Martin Sensmeier, to join their fight instead of starting one of his own against six better-armed men.

If this movie had any other title I would tell you that it was a fun tribute to The Magnificent Seven. That’s not what this movie is though. It’s a story about a rainbow coalition of seven men who have a similar mission to Yul Brenner, Steve McQueen, et al. As a result, it kind of feels like an insult to anyone who loved the original.

One of the things that defines this movie is all of the goofy banter that happens either off-screen or between two lesser characters in a crowd shot. It plays like the last night of a high school production of Our Town and everyone is trying to make each other laugh during the wedding or funeral scenes. Who cares? It’s senior year!

There’s a lot of goofy nonsense at work here - wacky bullet pings, talk about how white people be crazy, big over the top facial acting. None of it really adds anything to the movie. It’s all kind of distracting to tell you the truth.

Speaking of distracting, one of the villain’s head goons is played by Jonathan Joss. You may not recognize his name, but you know his face. He played Raymond Firewalker on Walker, Texas Ranger. More importantly, he was both Ken Hotate in Parks & Rec and John Red Corn on King of the Hill. So, take your pick. The guy has three hilarious things distracting you from his goal, which is to be menacing.

The movie itself isn’t bad. It has its fair share of laughs and is no dumber than most “band of misfits rallies to defeat an army” movies. It’s just that it isn’t The Magnificent Seven. That movie is so very good. This one is so very average.