There are ways to find romance even while the kids are small
This time of year often has us thinking of love and amorousness. However, nothing can quite kill the romance like being wrist deep in a poopy diaper, having a small child come into your room six times a night to be re-tucked in, or just the constant exhaustion that accompanies parenthood. My interactions with my spouse generally amount to inquiring which child is due for a bath, whether we still have any applesauce, and when we should order more stain treating spray. Not exactly sexy banter.
Relationships during this phase of life often leave us feeling more like partners running an operation together, than the hot and heavy lovers of early marriage. For better or worse, our priorities have changed. Is this just the natural order of things, and do you ever really go back to the serotonin fueled stage of a new relationship? Is that even a reasonable goal?
The idea of “rekindling the spark” does seem to carry a lot of pressure. Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As You Are” and “Come Together,” would prefer to eliminate that phrase from the popular lexicon entirely. So even if the end goal isn’t necessarily “rekindling the spark” of premarital bliss, I’ve certainly still struggled with the challenges of prioritizing my marriage during the all encompassing challenges of early parenthood. I’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and sought out the professionals. Here’s some of the advice that I’ve found helpful, some of it rather intuitive, some less so.
This is just a phase
Your relationship won’t always be like this, the romance in a marriage naturally ebbs and flows. Just because it feels like you’re in a rut now, that doesn’t mean that you’ll stay that way. When you have small children, or heaven forbid new babies, you are running on survival mode. That fight or flight existence doesn’t last forever, and neither should its impact on your relationship.
I listened to a podcast that detailed how several women hated their husbands postpartum. The combination of post-baby hormones, lack of sleep, not to mention the load of potentially being the primary source of your child’s sustenance, can certainly build resentment. However, this is not the time to make any permanent decisions about the status of your relationship. I recently saw a post on a moms’ message board by a woman who described no longer liking or desiring her husband after having her baby. She inquired as to whether she should leave him. While I wouldn’t deign to make someone else’s relationship decisions, I would strongly encourage someone in this position not to make any rash decisions while in the tumultuous period of new parenthood.
Make time to connect with your spouse
This sounded like a joke when I heard it. Time? What time? If I had time I would take a flipping shower.
There is a nugget of truth here, however. Even if it’s just five minutes, take the time to check in with your spouse about anything other than your children. As a stay-at-home mom, this sounded extremely unlikely as my entire day is spent with my children.
Non-kid related conversations may require finding something new you can talk about together. Our go-to has been as simple as finding a new show to binge on together. We collapse and watch one episode after putting the kids to bed, and it becomes fuel for kid-free conversations and inside jokes. It may not seem like much, but it’s low energy time we spend together.
Time that has become so sacred that watching an episode without the other person would feel akin to cheating. This effect can just as easily be accomplished by listening to the same podcast, reading or listening to the same book, or playing the same videogame.
For deeper conversational fuel, I love the New York Times 36 Questions that Lead to Love. The questions were developed by psychologists to foster closeness, and I found them to elicit lots of emotional intimacy. Finding an actual time to chat with your spouse can be just as challenging.
When the weather permits, we find taking the kids for a walk in the stroller / on the tricycle as the perfect time to check in with one another. Maybe for you that means checking in on a car-ride, or during a post-bedtime veg sesh.
Date nights (or days)
This one sounds obvious, but it’s also a biggie. Relationships like mine really need this time away from kids that allow us to remember why we like each other in the first place. Maybe your date night happens once a week, maybe it's only once a month, but prioritize it. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just something that you both enjoy. Babysitters are hard to come by, I totally get that. I would estimate that babysitters and the accompanying cost of babysitters are the primary hurdle that gets in the way of date nights. If a babysitter is out of the question, meet for a lunch date during your lunch hour (I say this as a SAHM for whom a lunch hour doesn’t exist,) or set an evening aside to hang out together after the kids are in bed. Get takeout, enjoy a late kid-free meal and conversation, a cocktail and maybe a movie. Who knows where it may go from there!
Scheduling sex
There is nothing that sounds less romantic than scheduling sex. However, when your schedule is as jam packed as many parents’ calendars are, it may be the only way. Fortunately, the saving grace of scheduling sex is the anticipation that it can bring. Take some time to decompress from the stress of the kids by actually getting in a shower first, and you may actually find yourself in the mood. Also, sex doesn’t have to mean penetration. Especially if you are postpartum, in pain or just plain touched out, the end goal is only that you have fun and that you're ultimately happy to be there. The goal here doesn’t need to be much, just anything you find pleasurable.
Finding your love languages
Feeling appreciated and loved by your spouse can help bolster your relationship in spades. However, it isn’t always so obvious how they will best receive your love. Identifying one another’s love languages can help you figure out how best to connect to your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
In addition to the books you may not have time for, there are some quick online quizzes you can take to identify your love language.
Heads up, how you give love may not always match how your partner best receives love. I receive love in quality time, so all the acts of service in the world, while well-intentioned, won't necessarily make me feel loved. However, putting aside one-on-one time to do an activity and have a conversation with me will make me swoon.
Figuring out how you can each give and receive love in a way that's meaningful to you can really help you to feel connected to your spouse, if you put that information into practice.
Hopefully, these tips will prove helpful. If nothing else, rest assured that many, if not most, parents of young kids are in the same boat. It won’t last forever, but making the best of this season is well worth the effort.
