Inconceivable: Tick tock

I tend to create unreasonable deadlines for myself when it comes to having another baby. Like when we have lost a baby, I soothe myself by saying that by the time that baby was due we'll be pregnant again. The pain will be eased by the next pregnancy.

That's not unreasonable, right?

Except that setting a goal like that isn't feasible when so many things are out of your control. And the desperation of trying to reach that goal by the imaginary deadline I set for myself makes it even harder to think straight.

Our last pregnancy was due in early January. In the past few months, I've found myself saying, "You might be pregnant by Christmas, just hold on and keep trying."

Then my body got all weird and I got two cysts on my left ovary. They aren't large. And my doctor said they weren't "filled with hair or teeth" so I didn't have to be worried.

UMMM, TEETH!!! What the what?!

Apparently, the cysts are the kind that come with an ovarian dysfunction - like a recent short ovulatory cycle, which I had. I just need my body to hit the reset button.

​At first I saw the break as more time off my imaginary clock. I was running out of time to get pregnant before the end of 2017. Like I was going to turn into a pumpkin or something.

Then, I started to feel free. Being "benched" from fertility medication and shots meant I could just focus on myself and my family. No blood tests. No ultrasounds. No worrying about the timing of our next treatment or appointment. I could just live.

So we lived. We went on a vacation to Great Wolf Lodge in Concord. We played in the indoor water park. We laughed. We went to character events and storytimes. We even dined in a giant gingerbread house. ​

We got back to town, ready to face whatever was next. Just not looking at the clock. Not putting that pressure on ourselves anymore.

Kathy is a mom of one and Out & About editor for WRAL.com. She writes weekly for Go Ask Mom about her experience with secondary infertility.