Ask Laura: Considering buying your kid a smartphone this holiday season?

Editor's note: In this monthly series, social media expert and Durham mom Laura Tierney, founder of The Social Institute, answers your questions about social media and kids. If you have a question for Laura, email her at contact@thesocialinst.com.

Kids across the Triangle and around the country are hoping for their first smartphone this holiday season. And while it’s tempting to give in and make holiday dreams come true, your child’s first smartphone is a huge deal -- not just for them, but for you, too.

For better or worse, they will be more connected with friends (and strangers) than ever before. They will have the opportunity to create and share content online and consume content from role models and bad influences alike. And, they will have the ability to be constantly “connected” – all day, every day.

As for you? You’ll have more to monitor, plenty of difficult conversations ahead, and their reputation to worry about!

So, how can you know if you and your child are ready? Before taking the smartphone plunge, ask yourself the following questions. If you answer “no” to any of them, you may want to reconsider if the time is right for a smartphone this holiday season.

Question #1: Am I a good role model?

Actions speak louder than words, and your child watches everything you do. Think for a moment: In the last week, have they seen you check email while driving (even at a red light)? Reply to a text while at the dinner table? Half-listen to something they’ve said because you were scrolling through Facebook? Sleep with your phone charging on your nightstand?

To help ensure that you and your child will use your devices in a healthy, helpful, positive way, consider writing and signing a Family Social Standards Agreement together. Your entire family signs the agreement, and everyone is responsible for helping each other live up to the standards you set together.

Question #2: Is my child mature enough to handle the responsibility?

This small device carries big responsibilities – like taking care of an expensive and fragile device, managing data plan limits, navigating tricky online social situations, protecting their privacy, and preserving their reputation and that of your family.

To determine if they are mature enough to handle a phone, consider the responsibilities they already have and whether they handle them successfully. For example:

• Do they regularly follow your house rules?
• Do they tend to lose things easily or forget commitments they made?
• Can they sympathize or, even better, empathize with others?
• Do they talk with you about potential consequences of their choices?
• When they make mistakes, do they own up and learn from them?

If the answer to these questions is “no,” now might not be the right time for your child.

Question #3: Do I have the resources I’ll need to coach my child?

At The Social Institute, we think of social media as the biggest game in the world. You can win or lose this game with each move you make — each post, each comment, each time you press, “send.” Your child is a rookie at this game and needs coaching. Problem is, when it comes to new social media platforms and apps, you’re probably a rookie, too. That means coach and player will be learning together.

Think about the ways you may choose to monitor your child’s phone, and the apps you’ll have to learn to do it well. Make sure you know where to go to find out about the latest apps before you child even knows about them. The Social Institute has a free weekly newsletter that can help you stay ahead of the curve. Also, empower your child to coach you on how to use certain apps and why they are important to her.

Bottom line: Prepare to lean-in as a parent through ongoing check-ins and frequent (often uncomfortable) conversations about bullying, inappropriate photos, sexting, and more. Be ready to talk about limiting smartphone use, being "social" in today's world, who they're talking to, and what accounts they're following.

The day they get their first phone has become a right of passage for today’s tweens and teens. It’s an exciting day that can open up a new world to your child. Regardless of when you decide the time is right, the most important step you can take is to talk frequently with your child about their online experiences. The more they feel comfortable coming to you, the better prepared they will be to win the game of social media. And that’s a gift that will last a lifetime.

Laura Tierney is founder and president of The Social Institute, a Durham-based company that teaches students nationwide positive ways to handle one of the biggest drivers of their social development: social media.