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Say these 14 things to a woman if you want a broken neck

Posted May 31

Often, in our great wisdom, men say things we very quickly realize should never be said to any woman. Several of these dangerous phrases are extremely subtle, but can bring about serious repercussions -- like a broken neck.

With help from painful personal experience and input from several real-life women, here's a few of those things you should only say to a woman if you want to bring down her wrath upon you:

1. "Calm down"

She's calm. She's calm. Back away slowly.

2. "Relax"

Once you see her eyes, you'll realize the mistake you've made. Either beg for mercy or retreat quickly.

3. "Chill out"

Sure you can say this, but soon after you'll be the one needing ice.

4. "Is it that time of the month?"

Bad idea. Quickly call attention to the natural disaster over her right shoulder in hopes that she becomes distracted enough for you to make a getaway.

5. "Quit crying"

This is just downright insensitive.

6. "Why are you so emotional?"

Don't ask; just read this study.

7. "You look tired"

You may think you're making an attempt at being sensitive, but it is often interpreted as "You look ugly."

8. "Wow -- rough night?"

See #7.

9. "That doesn't even matter"

If used in the correct context, this phrase can be OK. When it is used as a way for you to try and dismiss a woman's concerns, it is very easily interpreted as, "I don't care about what you think is important."

10. "Are you mad?"

If you have to ask, she's mad. This question will often sound patronizing -- because from her perspective, you should have known three hours ago why she's mad.

11. "Are you going to wear that?"

A friend of mine innocently asked his wife this. He just wanted to know if that was what she had decided to wear (no judgement implied); but to a woman that means, "You look ridiculous and I'm going to be embarrassed to be with you in public."

12. "Are you ready to go?"

She'll be ready when she's ready. I know how incomprehensible the preparation process of a woman is to a man, but for the sake of your neck, give her all the time she wants.

13. "Did you not cook anything?"

You might as well say, "Make me a sandwich, woman." If you catch yourself in time, transition this sentence into "Did you not ... know how beautiful you are?"

14. *Hesitation*

This one is tricky. Try not to hesitate when a woman asks anything. Though you are likely just trying to make sure you respond with accuracy and tact, to her, hesitation in answering a question is an open invitation to assume the absolute worst.

Did I miss any? Comment with any other common phrases you've said to your wife (or that your husband has said to you) that have ended badly.

David Snell is a humor writer for the FamilyShare team. He's OK. Twitter: @e_snell

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