Puberty! 6 tips for dads when talking about body changes with their sons

It happens to all of us at some point, but, for plenty of parents, puberty isn't a topic they're eager to talk about with their kids.

Thomas Ray, senior director of educational programming at the Poe Center for Health Education, blames it all on our parents - kind of.

"A lot of parents, we model parenting after how our parents raised up," said Ray, a National Board Certified Master Educator. "The maturing of your reproductive system and that change from going from a child to an adult is something we just didn't talk a lot about with our parents. Not having that context for the conversation makes it really challenging."

But there's more to it than that, Ray said. These days, the conversation is complicated by what kids might have access to online or on social media. And, said Ray, lots of parents are just fearful.

"That's where a lot of the anxiety comes from. They're probably not sure if they have the actual facts," he said. "They don't want to say anything that will cause their child to do something or behave in a certain way. There's a lot of fear in what will this mean. And if I open the conversation, will I be asked a question that I don't know the answer to."

To help moms with the sometimes tricky topic, the Poe Center launched its popular Girl Talk series many years ago. It's designed to open up the discussions between moms and their tween and young teen daughters about the changes female bodies undergo during puberty.

And now Poe Center has a new program designed to help boys navigate this time of their life. For the second time, the Poe Center will offer Guy Talk.

Ray has been through this talk more than a few times - as an instructor at the Poe Center and also at home. He is the father of four - including three sons - and the grandfather of one.

"They've all come through like champs, and I think that's the great thing about it," Ray said. "You will come out on the other end as an adult."

I checked in with Ray to get some tips on why and how parents should start these conversations with their kids - particularly fathers with their sons.

"Yes, we can see the schools as an extension of us because we have entrusted our children with them," he said. "At the same time, we, as their first teacher, are ultimately responsible to ensure that they are equipped as they transition into adulthood."

All parents want the very best for their kids, and getting there requires a full understanding of the changes that our bodies undergo as we turn from child into adult.

"Parents need to be equipped and then move forward and have those conversations so they can fulfill that role," he said.

"It's a different conversation throughout time," Ray said. "You're not going to be talking about romantic relationships at 5 or 6. But you're still going to be having conversations about our bodies and how we're growing and all of the different, wonderful and amazing things that are going on about our bodies."

The goal, said Ray, is to make adulthood something to look forward to.

"Just recognize that there are exciting times coming, that you'll be changing from a child to an adult, and that's all it is," he said. "It's the process of changing."

For boys, in particular, Ray said, parents will want to be ready to help out with questions about how to shave, why they might feel angry more than usual or what exactly those nocturnal emissions are.

"That's nothing to be terrified of," Ray said. "It's perfectly normal if it happens. It's perfectly normal if it doesn't happen. But it can really scare a guy if he didn't know that was going to happen."

After all, you've been through this too.

"For me," said Ray, "I gained a lot of weight and started not feeling that great about myself at a certain point."

But, as the body goes through various growth spurts, Ray said, that weight gain can be normal. As part of his own story, he is able to share his experience and also emphasize the importance of healthy eating as boys' appetites explode.

"They are really hungry because their body needs energy," he said. "But, if every time I had a snack attack in the past, I grabbed a bag of Doritos, that's not going to be a good plan moving forward. You're going to have lots of snack attacks and your body is craving the energy of real food. Eat plenty of fruits and vegetables."

This is part of being prepared and doing your research. But it also has to do with knowing how you will react to questions that your child may throw at you.

"How are you going to respond when your child does voice an opinion that isn't in line with your family values?" Ray said. "Are you going to say, 'I need some time to think about that?' Or are you going to say, 'I don't really have the answer for you on that right now, but I'm going to do some research, and I'm going to get back to you?'"

Just be willing to take a step back. And, most importantly, said Ray, never yell.

"Once you shut it down, that may be the last opportunity you get," he said. "We, as adults, have to take that seriously. Treat your young person with respect and recognize they are on a journey. And then try to remember what it was like for you."

"I like to talk about ideal future," he said.

Talk with your kids about what their ideal future looks like. What activities do they enjoy? What's their dream career?

Then, consider things they don't want in their future. It might be trouble with the law or difficulty finding a job or keeping a roof over their head.

Finally, help them think about their friend choices. Get them thinking about how their friend choices play into their future.

"If you have a friend pressuring you to study for a test or try out for a team or for the play, that's probably a really good friend - If they are pressuring you toward the future you want," he said. "If they are pressuring you to do things like steal a candy bar or cheat, if they keep pressuring you, they are not your friend."

It's also helpful to remind them that puberty - with all of its ups and downs - doesn't last forever. "This does have an end," he said.