Flowers. Jewelry. Dinner out. Americans are expected to spending a whopping $23.6 billion this year on gifts for Mother's Day, according to the National Retail Federation.
In fact, that's the most spent on mom in the survey's 14-year history, beating even last year's record of $21.4 billion, according to the world's largest retail trade association.
I'm not sure what I'll be getting for Mother's Day ... and I really don't want much more than a meal that I don't make or clean up after and some homemade cards. But I will be letting my husband know he can save his money ... or time to download, in the case of one item ... on the following six things.
Here are six things I definitely don't want this Mother's Day ...
Nordstrom's Plastic Knee Mom Jeans
I can't remember the last time I spent $95 on a single item of clothing for myself. But, if I ever do spend that much, it's certainly not going to be these clear knee mom jeans, courtesy of Nordstrom. I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but, apparently somebody thought it would be attractive to cut a hole in the knees and then cover them with clear plastic.
I think, perhaps, they are called "mom jeans" because of the higher waist. But ... nope.
KFC's Tender Wings of Desire
For the moms out there, KFC released its very first romance novella, which you can download for free online. I'm no prude. I do enjoy adult time. I'd just prefer to keep KFC out of the mix.
Still, the comments about it on Amazon are well worth your time. Case in point: "I am sorely disappointed by the lack of any mention of fried chicken anywhere in this book, or even a hint of herbs and spices - as either a plot point or seasonings."
And ... KFC did just hire Rob Lowe to play Col. Sanders. So maybe I need to revisit this subject.
Let's move on.
Play Dough scented perfume
I thought perfume was intended to make you feel beautiful. If I put this perfume on, I'd be frantically searching the house for that ball of play dough that's inevitably ground into the carpet somewhere. "Frantic" is not my best look ... though it's a common one these days, I'll admit.
OK. I'm sad to say that I could see how these might actually be useful - cleaning and walking around your house at the same time.
Way to multi-task, people who have these.
But, let's be real. When I put on my slippers, I want to be done working and cleaning. I don't want to feel guilty for not buffing the floors while I walk to the kitchen to grab something from my chocolate stash before I sit down to watch my shows on Netflix.
Oh ... and, if my husband ever does get me one of these, you can be sure he'll be getting the version for men. Father's Day is just around the corner!
Rova Flying Selfie Drone
I know I'm old fashioned. I'm not a big taker of selfies. On the rare occasion I'd like a photo of myself, I just ask the person next to me if they could snap one. I know. Crazy!
But, this is truly crazy. For a cool $300, you can purchase this gadget, which claims to allow you to "capture the perfect selfie." This thing flies (but doesn't run into things thanks to 'in-built obstacle avoidance') and takes your selfie, which you can then share instantly on social media.
A bouquet ... made of donuts
Tim Hortons, the coffee and donut chain, is doing something special for moms on Sunday: Smashing 24 donut holes onto individual wooden sticks and calling it a "bouquet." This special treat will be available only on Mother's Day and only at specific locations. I'm sad/not sad to share that they are nowhere near Raleigh.
Happy Mother's Day! I hope it's a fun day filled with everything you want - whether it's some peace and quiet or all of the above. I won't judge. Actually, I'd love to see that selfie of you in your clear knee mom jeans, buffing the floor with your slippers, reading your romance novella, while dabbing the play dough perfume behind your ears and picking a stem from your donut bouquet.
That would be pretty glorious.
Sarah is the mom of two and Go Ask Mom's editor.