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Lynda Loveland: When are boys just being boys?

By Lynda Loveland

Posted: January 16

Tags: Lynda Loveland, Mom's Life, Parenting

I have a guy friend who often regales me with stories from his childhood. Stories about him and his brother doing things that are so unbelievable they must have driven their parents to the brink of insanity. Stories of destruction and chaos that blow my mind! Call me crazy, but I find them encouraging because he turned out perfectly fine and normal. It gives me hope for my son.

You think men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Young boys are from some distant galaxy! By himself, my seven-year-old son is, let’s just say, a handful. An angel he is not.

He’s caused more than his fair share of trouble. We’ve been working VERY hard on correcting his misbehavior. Well, now he’s teamed up with some other boys in the neighborhood and they’ve been getting their "naughty on," trying to outdo the other. He may very well be the ring leader. I’m not sure.

Anyway, his most recent escapade was ding-dong-ditch. He rings a neighbor’s doorbell and then runs away. There’s nothing quite like lighting a fire under people who live just a house or two away. After I found out, I took him around to all the homes and made him apologize, plus he was grounded. We’ve had countless talks of respecting people’s property.

Yes, he ticked off a bunch of people. It was absolutely wrong. But is he just being a boy when it comes to something like this? Now mind you, there are other things we’re working on with him that are not part of just being a boy.

Should I worry he’s going to end up in juvie or should I just chill about some of it and chalk it up to the sprouting of his testosterone seedlings? Cause he’s sure keeping me awake at night stressing about it!

Lynda is the mom of three and co-host of Mix 101.5 WRAL-FM's Bill & Lynda in the Morning. Find her here on Thursdays. Click here to find her on Facebook.

22 Comments

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Please, please do not think I am trying to be snarky in this answer. I truly am not. But if you ask for honest opinions, I feel like they should be given.

In asking if he is "just being a boy", you're kind of contributing to the problem right there. Behavior is not related to gender; it's related to personality, parenting, peer pressure, and any number of other factors. But when we as a society draw definitive correlations between a child's behavior and their genitalia, we further perpetuate the gender stereotypes and discrimination that run rampant even today.

If you're having behavioral issues with him, it seems like you're handling them just like any other dedicated parent. But there is no such thing as "boys being boys" any more than "girls being girls". What you've got is a "child being a child".

Cheers!

Killian
January 16, 2013 9:01 p.m.

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We never accepted the "boys will be boys" line because we felt it would give them an excuse for bad behavior. Both our sons knew there were always going to be consequences for their behavior and they were responsible for their actions. We didn't make excuses for them, or chalk it up to "just being boys". They were taught to be respectful and live by the rule "do unto others as you would want done unto you." We're happy to say they turned out to be responsible, respectful young men who are successful in life and have wonderful families. We always heard good things from friends and neighbors about our boys as they were growing up, and we still get compliments today about them. I think there is not enough accountability these days when children are out of line and disrespectful. Too many parents brush it off as "they're just kids". Teach them well, and they will make you proud!

grammajm
January 16, 2013 9:08 p.m.

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'Boys will be boys' is often used by parents to excuse their son's behavior. Please don't fall into that mindset. You seem to be a great mommy!

caneshockey
January 16, 2013 10:02 p.m.

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I had an ex-friend that sounds a lot like your boy. Middle class, white, got into some minor trouble when he was about your son's age doing similar things. Parents said the same thing. It slowly escalated. innocent ding d*ng ditch turned into TPing, then egging, then as his teens came on full throttle, tagging, and scavanger hunts where you "steal" items and the goal is to get everything on your list without getting caught, it was more and more as he became the "I'll do anything" guy. Flash forward To his early 20's and he got arrested because he thought it would be funny to shoot at an empty cop car in a cary parkinglot. He didn't have a mind to see there was a camera.

Teaching him how to behave now, and holding him responsible, and making him respect people and their property now is the key to making a true and honest man out of him.

That and be a mom. From the sounds of it you already knew these boys were trouble for your son. Do what needs to be done.

pinkuh
January 16, 2013 10:08 p.m.

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1.I commend you for taking him to apologize. 2.If you are SURE of what other boys are involved, have you discussed this with there parents & jointly agreed that they ALL should be apologizing & taking responsibility? 3. He is 7? Besides apologizing, I, with the other parents would be aiming them toward doing things to HELP around the neighborhood instead of Pranking. Pull them together for community activities. Raking leaves, cleaning pathways -- something constructive. SOme positive reinforcement AFTER those things rather than just the negative punishment.

dcec48
January 16, 2013 11:11 p.m.

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As an ex-boy, I can assure you that his behavior is not just normal, but pretty much inevitable. At his age, he's beginning to test the bonds that secure him to you, venturing out on his own and starting to carve a niche for himself in the world. The way kids do that is often startling to the parents, but in most cases, it's fairly harmless. I say this as a onetime kid who got into trouble solely to aggravate my parents. Wrong? You betcha. But at that age, most of us simply don't have the mental wherewithal to understand what we're doing. In later years, I regretted everything and told my parents as much. Turned out they didn't know the half of what I'd done. At some point, I realized that some things are better left unsaid, and I stopped sharing. When I look back, I realize it was all a necessary part of growing up and testing my wings, although my parents would probably have disagreed, were they alive. The bottom line: you have to give them the latitude to be themselves.

markcanwrite
January 17, 2013 2:09 a.m.

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Yes, he is just being a kid (per Killian's comment below). When you punish and guide him to grow into a responsible adult, then you are just being a parent. Good luck. Good parenting is rarely easy but has infinite rewards.

SaveEnergyMan
January 17, 2013 6:04 a.m.

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Totally agree with grammajm! Our sons and daughter were wonderful,happy, full of life children, but we never allowed ourselves the luxury of dismissing bad behavior. Now that they are all married with children, we enjoy the satisfaction of hearing our words of discipline coming out of their mouths.

mdwrfw
January 17, 2013 8:20 a.m.

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I think people are missing the point of what you're trying to ask. You are doing the right thing and having swift and logical consequences for his misbehavior, with no tolerance or excuses. That being said, I'm now convinced that boys are a different species than girl!. They will get in trouble, they will seek adrenaline boosting activities, they will push the limits and ways that girls usually won't. It doesn't mean that it's okay, but to stick your head in the sand and think that boys will behave the same as girls isn't either. So no, your child is not destined for a life of crime! Proactive parenting with thoseogocal consequences will let him "be a boy" while learning the limits of what is and isn't acceptable. It is absolutely true that "boys will be boys" and it doesn't mean that you should tolerate any if it. Just don't worry either!

lilypony
January 17, 2013 8:47 a.m.

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As the parent of a teenage boy I agree whole heartedly with markcanwrite. The boys have shown no evidence thus far of doing anything with the intent to harm or be mean to anyone. Ringing bells and running is an old school game that kids will inevitably do. My son did it a few times, got it out of his system and it was no longer fun. You have to learn to fight your battles and some mischief is to be expected. If he is not being rude, mean or bullying then some childhood fun is to be expected. And I am grown proof that just because you TP someone's house in Cary doesn't mean you are on a path to serious crime. There is so much to worry about as he enters the teens years... keep doing what you are doing (the apologizing, I prefer chores over grounding but..) and the rest will work itself out.

angelienna
January 17, 2013 8:58 a.m.

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Lynda Loveland: When are boys just being boys?

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