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Lynda Loveland

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Lynda Loveland: Hallo-mean played out!

By Lynda Loveland

Published: 2012-11-01 07:47:00
Updated: 2012-11-01 07:51:10

Posted: November 1, 2012

Tags: Seasonal & Holidays, Mom's Life, Parenting, Lynda Loveland

A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I threatened the kids with taking away trick-or-treating if they didn’t shape up. Consider the threat, carried out!

One out of the three was high on sugar Halloween night while the other two were high on sour grapes!

Five-year-old Carys was the lone Loveland soliciting for sweets. Campbell was totally bummed and Caiden rode an emotional roller coaster. One minute he didn't care because trick-or-treating was stupid, the next he was angry and the next he was super sweet and sorry.

I took Carys to the neighbors to make the rounds and when I came back, my two Halloweenies seemed to have accepted their punishment. Caiden was being especially good. I was impressed by his new attitude. Cam was up in her room.

The doorbell started ringing and didn't stop for about 15 minutes. When I came up for air, Caiden was playing basketball in the driveway but Cam was nowhere to be found.

A few minutes later we get a knock at the door. There stood a lone wolfman who said in a gruff voice, "trick or treat"! One look at those neon aqua and orange indoor soccer shoes and we knew we had our missing person. We said "trick" and pulled her and her bag of candy inside! She'd snuck out in her costume, borrowed a bag from our neighbor and went out collecting candy!

I'm stunned at what she did. We don't even know yet how we're going to punish her.

Do you have a good Halloween story?

Lynda is the mom of three and co-host of Mix 101.5 WRAL-FM's Bill & Lynda in the Morning. Find her here on Thursdays. Click here to like her on Facebook.

Copyright 2012 by Capitol Broadcasting Company. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
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36 Comments


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Although only 9, your daughter began her struggle for independence, usually seen in teen behavior. In fact, you may notice that the instances of her disregarding your instructions become more frequent.

As for the punishment, I agree that she should choose her punishment for disobeying you, but make it clear that it needs to hurt, or you will come up with one that you consider appropriate. The purpose of having her choose her punishment is to foster cooperation, something that is vital when dealing with her once she is a teenager. Once a punishment has been agreed upon, it will be your responsibility to ensure it is carried out. For example, if she is not allowed to watch TV, or be on the computer, eliminate the possibility for her to use either.

Personally, I would not focus on her violating your trust, as at a tender age of 9, she does not understand the concept of trust, which is something you need to teach her, as well as the principles of actions and consequences.
helpwithteens
November 2, 2012 8:56 a.m.
[abuse] Report abuse
This is wrong on so many levels, as Dr. Phil would say. If you want to earn your children's trust, don't blab their business all over the internet.Your making this so public is punishment enough. Because you're a public figure doesn't make it right for you to make your kids so public. I "ran this by" my two kids - ages 12 and 18. They had the same reaction.It wasn't to question why your child did what she did..what stood out was why you did what you did. Step back and be aware that your children are growing up and deserve a level of privacy.
c4heels
November 2, 2012 8:50 a.m.
[abuse] Report abuse
Lynda, the first thing that I thought of was how dangerous this was. It was Halloween Night. She could have been struck by a car, abducted, fallen and gotten hurt and no one knew she was even out of the house. She could have been abused by someone. It scares me that she thought that it was just fine to go out there like that. ALSO, she flaunted it in your face by showing up at the house to Trick or Treat. To be honest, if she were mine, she and her brother both would have been required to hand out the candy at the door, so that I could keep them in sight.

I worry about what you are in for in the future, if she thinks that at 9 that she can do as SHE wishes.
Click to view my profile computer trainer
November 2, 2012 8:49 a.m.
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On the show this morning, I heard someone mention something to the effect of "New Parenting Style". My question is, what's wrong with the old style? Did we, who are the products of "Old Parenting", turn out all that bad? We broke the rules and were punished in ways our parents felt fit the "crime". We weren't asked what punishment we should be given. (I would have chosen "No Broccoli for a week")

Our parents were in charge and we were their charges. We weren't on equal footing, nor should we have been. Our parents knew better than we because they have already experienced what we were trying to do.

We, as children, did what children are supposed to do, test the boundaries. Our parents did what they were supposed to do, rein us in when we went too far.

Our parents did a good job, so why do we feel we can do it better of we do it differently?
Click to view my profile clif4
November 2, 2012 8:29 a.m.
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Please do not go the "I don't trust you" route. If you do, she will always remember it and there will be times that she will want and need to tell you something that she knows you will disapprove of but will keep it to herself because she does not want to loose your trust again. She might surprise you with how hard she will be on herself, if she chooses her punishment. a mom
bbarnhill4
November 2, 2012 8:19 a.m.
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I disagree with the original punishment! I can't imagine what your daughter could have done to take away Halloween. Without meaning to, you set her up for more defiance. Also, the threat of taking away Christmas or next Halloween is a bad idea. I think you need to sit down with her and talk about trust, and then put all of this behind you. In the future, make sure the punishment is in line with the crime!

BTW, I am the mother of three "kids" ..... two boys and a girl .... 22, 19 and 15. So far, they're all terrific!

Donna
ddorazio
November 2, 2012 8:18 a.m.
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You've just taught your child that she needs to be sneakier. You're about to get locked into an escalating cycle. Where will it end? After you take away all of her remaining Halloweens and Christmases for the remainder of her childhood? Is that what you want?

Punitive, vindictive parenting does not work. Try contacting Project Enlightenment to find some better methods before you end up with kids who don't trust your judgement and won't confide important things to you.
mwilliams2
November 1, 2012 7:32 p.m.
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I'm thinking right now about "the benefit of the doubt" scenario. Lynda has a blog to write each week and sometimes it's good to throw a little drama into the mix. Blogs, like reality shows on television, can contain scripted material. The alleged fact that her daughter came back home and rang their door bell, seems to imply a well meaning scripted moment for a Halloween prank, imo..:)
Click to view my profile snowl
November 1, 2012 6:33 p.m.
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Oh my goodness. It would have been difficult for me not to have given her the what for verbally when she walked in the door. The obvious boldness of this move needs to be reflected in her punishment. She has violated your trust and needs to know that this is not something that is acceptable. As for punishment (no the verbal lashing is not punishment), ground her for at least 1 week (maybe two), give the candy away, and maybe even consider taking away freedom that you have given her because you trust her until she can earn your trust back (walking without holding hands, phone, staying up later, talking on phone at house, things like that).
dlblackm
November 1, 2012 5:39 p.m.
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I have not had to use this book just yet, but "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman has some good ideas/advice. He has 5 of his own children, and 20 + years of working with parents and children. Many of his ideas revolve around natural consequences to behavior problems as well.
ellenfriend
November 1, 2012 3:57 p.m.
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I am worried about the two commenters that think this is funny and clever, and that taking Halloween away didn't fit the crimes. I worry about the discipline in your houses if you don't see serious issues with children being disrespectful to their parents, not heeding warnings, and then when punished, deciding to sneak out of their house AND do exactly what the punishment took away. This is a HUGE deal that needs BIGTIME consequences. I like the no Christmas present idea. Celebrate the holiday, but no gifts. That will send a clear message about sneaking out of the house.
HopingForABetterWorld
November 1, 2012 2:33 p.m.
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I think she was asking for your Halloween stories, not your parental advice.
americaneel
November 1, 2012 1:56 p.m.
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Act swiftly and severely. Does she have a favorite electronic device she "can't do without"? That should be the first to go. Grounded? Definitely!!! Good luck and stay strong!
Click to view my profile msnfnp
November 1, 2012 1:39 p.m.
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funny and clever?? Hardly; blatant disrespect and no fear of consequences. It may have been a minor action, but the underlying disobediance will only get worse. Time for some tough love - grounding, no computer or tv access except for school, etc. This is the time to be strong while you have a hope of instilling discipline.
wwyoud
November 1, 2012 1:31 p.m.
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Congrats for the tough love with the kids that did not/were not supposed to go trick or treating. It was tough but, in the long run, your kids are better off for you biting the bullet on this issue. Good job, parents.
Luv2Camp
November 1, 2012 1:06 p.m.
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More importantly, how did she "escape"? I would think about making your home more secure or "child proof" before an attitude adjustment. Safety first.
Semper Fi Wife
November 1, 2012 12:23 p.m.
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I know how frustrating it can be at times having raised two equally determined children. While I applaud you as parents for following through, please consider the punishment and the crime. Halloween is a huge deal to most children and from what I read their misbehavior sounded like typical brother/sister/kid stuff. Stopping them from participating seemed like it didn't fit their crimes. One tactic does not always work the same with one as it does with another. While you don't want to hear it now, her determination will serve her well one day. You just have to get her there safely! Please figure out what will really hit home with her so that she never does that again.
ncs2393
November 1, 2012 12:03 p.m.
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I wonder how many of us would have liked it as children to have so much of our lives on public display?
jonnraleigh
November 1, 2012 11:55 a.m.
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another lynda story with drama attached, i can't believe it?????
Click to view my profile wmb95013
November 1, 2012 10:52 a.m.
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Wow- She snuck out and couldn't think of a way back in! Please express how dangerous it is for her to be out there by herself! taht's the first thing that pops in my head! You know how many kids get missing! That's scary!!! Also - she did blow off your punishment so I would exdtend it and say - no fun stuff for a while and no sharing of her brothers candy either.....
gmhfay
November 1, 2012 10:30 a.m.
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She put on her costume and snuck out to go trick or treating, but ended up ringing the doorbell at her OWN house? Sounds as if she was trying to get attention.
Click to view my profile ashcash21
November 1, 2012 10:15 a.m.
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I agree that your response needs to be swift and strong on this one. Not only did she blow off a punishment, but she showed blatant disrespect and defiance in going behind your back. Bring the hammer down.
Killian
November 1, 2012 10:04 a.m.
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You need to have a serious talk with her now and punish her not for a day or two but give her something to remember. Explain the danger and how disrespectful it was. If you do not nip it now just imagine when she is older..Good Luck with that one and keep us updated..
Click to view my profile Twittyfan
November 1, 2012 9:04 a.m.
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You have to admit that is funny and clever! The better punishment would have been to let them trick-or-treat and then take all of their candy and give it to the food bank!
native2NC
November 1, 2012 8:48 a.m.
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Her consequences need to be punitive enough so she "gets it". ( I wouldn't take away christmas, as that is a "family" holiday. Maybe limiting gift options.) I'm assuming you took her candy away and either tossed, or took it to work, etc. A few yrs ago, I told my kids that you are allowed 2-3 small pieces of candy per day. Soon after I found extra wrappers in their rooms. Final warning...And after one more snitch, every piece of candy was out of the house. Nada. They learned and still remember.

John Rosemond once said that if the behavior is a repeat offense, there should be no more warnings, and just consequences. It makes sense.

Best wishes Linda. Parenting is definitely "tough love".
missparrothead
November 1, 2012 8:44 a.m.
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I would let her know how she has deemed herself now untrustworthy and that a greater consequence will now follow; imagine how she will try to sneak out of the house when she is 16 if you don't "deal" with it now! :(
ellenfriend
November 1, 2012 8:29 a.m.
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