I thought about calling this "The Orchid Exterminator," in honor of Susan Orlean's book, The Orchid Thief, but figured that was a little maudlin. Important to note, though, is that of the two orchids I have ever owned, I have managed to kill them both. John Laroche, I am not. 

But everyone who knows me will tell you that I'm an eternal optimist, particularly when it comes to gardening. So for my birthday on Saturday, my mother-in-law gave me a spectacular orchid. She's got faith in me, and I hope I won't let her (or the orchid) down. I'm doing my homework this time, researching everything I can about my elusive orchid. 

I love Orlean's description of orchids from her 1995 article in The New Yorker magazine called Orchid Fever: 

"The Orchidaceae are a family of perennial plants with one fertile stamen and three-petalled flowers that, depending on the species, can be anything from pale specks to voluptuous masses ... Many orchids are strange-looking, and others have bizarre shapes and jarring color combinations, and all orchids are rather ugly when they aren't in flower ... Orchids have adapted to almost every environment on earth. They can be mutated, crossbred, and cloned. They can take the form of complex architectural structures or of garish, glamorous, luscious flowers." 

The flower in which I now care is bright fuschia, a Standard Phalaenopsis, and I'm thinking it's probably a good "starter orchid". According to the American Orchid Society, I need to water my orchid only when it's dry, early in the morning, with lukewarm water from the kitchen sink, for about 15 minutes. I should fertilize weekly with a diluted strength of the 20:20:20 ratio. My orchid should live near a southern- or eastern-facing window and should have grassy greenish-yellowish leaves. And I can maybe look forward to a host of pests, including ants, aphids, mealybugs (ew! what is that!), scale insects, and spider mites. 

But despite all of the rules and regulations, I'm really excited to have an orchid in my care again. I'm determined to be a good caregiver this time. The information I've gleamed from online seems a bit dry and daunting ... 

• Got any advice for this orchid novice?