Go Ask Mom

Go Ask Mom

Baby Steps: Lack of focus

Posted June 16, 2011

When we first discovered that, as a couple, we were suffering from infertility, I knew we were in for a bumpy ride. But this most recent phase was unexpected.

My husband and I both seem to have lost our focus on finding a solution. We still both very much want a baby, but we now find ourselves at a crossroads. And instead of choosing a path we are just avoiding making the decision altogether.

I know I’ve been saying for months that we would really get cracking on this once I was done with school. My husband has been meaning to schedule another appointment with his urologist for a check-up. Unbelievably, next month will be one year since his surgery. And I know our next step is to sit down with the financial folks at our clinic. But we just can’t seem to take any action!

Meanwhile, our families are stringing along waiting for an update and to learn how they can help; I write blogs each week about the small ways this struggle is impacting our lives with very little progress to report; and I get closer and closer to the dreaded age of 30.

I’ll admit – this phase is easier in some ways. It’s nothing like the beginning when I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. It’s different than the period when I could tear up at the sight of a baby. This phase is like I’ve been shot with Novocain. I am numb.

I never expected to "fall off the wagon," so to speak. I have no doubt in my mind that a baby is still what we want. But this burden has been a tough one to bear for both of us. Perhaps we just needed to set it down for a while.

Since this kind of caught us off guard – I’m wondering if we are not alone. Has anyone else ever experienced this feeling along the way? How did you get yourself back on track?

Christine is the weekday noon news producer at WRAL-TV. She lives with her husband and three dogs. Christine is chronicling her experience as she and her husband struggle with infertility. Find her here on Fridays.



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  • sept1397 Jun 17, 2011

    The numb stage will go away with a vengence!! We had our son 4 years ago on our 3rd IVF attempt. He is so worth everything we went through. I reached the point several times where I wanted to give up. I relaxed. I quit. I told myself I didn't care but time goes by and the baby fever comes back. I wish I could agree with those people who say they gave up and magically got pregnant..but it sure didn't happen that way for me. You WILL find your footing and whatever route you choose you will be a parent.

  • froggygirl Jun 17, 2011

    Just like these other people are saying, you need a break. Both of you are emotionally exhausted. You will benefit immeasurably from some time for yourselves and for each other. Macharsam is right.

  • NCishome Jun 17, 2011

    We decided that if we were to be blessed with a child we would be very happy. If it not we would not go through all the medical options to make it happen. So yes we are "childless" couple. So after almost 25yrs we still get asked the kid question and the answer is "we are still trying to get it right" lol.

    I must say that we are rich in children from all ages. Those being children from friends, co-workers, family and extended family.

  • Skeeners Jun 17, 2011

    My husband and I were on the same roller coaster ride, I was in my late 30's and he was in his late 40's. We tried for 5 years and came to the numbing stage. We quit everything. Two months latere, I became pregnant. After so much stress and anxiety and worry for the past 5 years, when we finally decided to step back and take a breath, that's when it happened. Maybe you need to do the same. Just step back, breath, and enjoy each other. You still have many good years ahead of you, and when the time is right, it will happen. For us, it was well worth the 5 year wait !! Our daughter is now 6 !

  • dippydoo Jun 17, 2011

    Take time to enjoy the little things in life. When you are meant to have a baby you will, I went through the same thing for over 7 years then finally we were blessed with a little boy with no intervention, and then just a few months after he was born found out we were having a little girl. Just relax and try not to stress about the situtation that surrounds you and your husband.

  • murdock Jun 17, 2011

    The Lord's will is always done. Just have faith that in His time, you will be blessed. It could be adoption or one that is genetically yours. I don't know. When we were trying to get pregnant 5 years ago, I could not believe the number of people who were pregnant around me. Finally, I stopped focusing on baby and focused on being healthy and God's will for my life. Soon after, we were expecting.

  • mdwrfw Jun 17, 2011

    Marspowell hit the nail on the head. It's the only post you need to read. I appreciate the fact you so honestly share your emotions and thoughts.Having a similar experience 40 years ago, I would have loved to have had someone to share these feelings with. Hang in there, 3 children and 5 grandchildren later I can tell you it is well worth all you are going through.

  • snowl Jun 17, 2011

    If you did choose to adopt a baby, it will not matter that you are getting into your 30's. Taking time off to refresh your mind on what path to take sounds normal and healthy. It is good for your relationship with your husband also. Keep that bond strong as a couple and your future baby will only benefit from that. Good luck.

  • marspowell Jun 16, 2011

    The novocaine effect is a a natural defense to cope with the repeated disappointment of starting your cycle and kindly redirecting the never ending probes from friends, family and coworkers about when you are going to take that step into parenting. When there is time on your side (you are 20's or early 30's), it can be very helpful to take "time off" to take the pressure off of timing everything in your life around trying for pregnancy. Make sure it is not a length of time you may look back on with regrets later always wondering what if... There are so many avenues to take to enjoy the amazing, fulfilling, yet challenging role of motherhood. Go around that traffic circle willing to explore the other avenues you did not plan on taking. No matter what: genetically yours, donor egg, donor sperm, donor embryo, or adoption, you will love the child the second you know they exist! Good luck and have faith! Once you are there, you will be more thankful than most for the miracle you hold