For a few weeks now I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this blog post without alienating anyone. I finally found some inspiration in the pages of the latest infertility book that’s sitting on my nightstand. So I’ll dive right in…
As of late, my life is filled with Facebook announcements, giddy groups of women and growing baby bumps. I am literally surrounded by pregnancy! And I am really struggling to figure out how to digest it all.
My heart goes out to each and every woman I know who is expecting. Some are taking the rollercoaster ride for the first time; others are more experienced with carrying a baby on board. When I hear the happy news, my gut feeling is one of absolute excitement. I’m enthralled to know that – in a few short months - they are going to welcome a new member to their family. Shortly thereafter, another intense emotion takes over…
This overwhelming feeling is the one I don’t know how to deal with. The emotion comes on in a wave when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture – people all around me have something that I want. It’s not just one baby announcement; it’s joy, after joy, after joy. I am literally green with envy! Gosh, it sounds horribly selfish, doesn’t it?
I find myself wanting to ask the nearest expectant mom a million questions. How did you do it? Did you have any trouble? What worked for you? All of those are not exactly questions appropriate for friends of friends, work colleagues or sorority sisters you haven’t talked to in years.
When I circle back to reality, that feeling of envy is followed by a heavy lump that sits right in my throat. It even hurts a little. I’m familiar with this one – it’s called guilt.
So I’m looking for some guidance. Since I’ve made my struggle public, it is even harder to avoid those awkward moments. But I want to share in the happiness, too. How do I squash the bad feelings from taking over the good?
Christine is an associate producer at WRAL-TV, which includes research for 5 On Your Side and producing the 10 p.m. weekend newscasts on Fox50. She lives with her husband and three dogs. Christine is chronicling her experience as she and her husband struggle with infertility.