Amanda Lamb: Floating

By Amanda Lamb

Posted: September 30, 2012

I have heard it over and over again.

The time when you miss your parents the most is when you think of something you want to ask them, or tell them, and you reach for the phone, and then suddenly it hits you like a wall of water, she’s dead.

Not unlike being hit by a wave, for the next few seconds I usually feel like I am underwater, struggling for breath, and struggling to keep my composure. It can happen at the most inopportune times, when you are in a crowded room, in a meeting, or at a restaurant. I hope these moments will be easier to overcome as time marches on. But again, I have come to realize that grief is not linear, and we must suffer the valleys whenever we find ourselves there.

So, here are a few examples of things I would have told my mother about this past week: My seventh grader singing karaoke and dancing at the school carnival, my fourth grader presenting her project on the striped skunk to her class, my stressful week at work that has resulted in little sleep and eight (I am not exaggerating) loads of laundry to fold.

Here are a few examples of things I would have asked her this week: Where is the line between privacy and being a good parent to an almost teenager? Can you baby your youngest child too much? What should I be when I grow up?

I am still waiting for the answers to these questions. Being in the world without your mother is a daunting proposition. It’s like being in a boat that is floating aimlessly without a direction in mind, and no anchor to keep it tied to solid ground. With any luck, I will eventually find the shore.

Amanda is the mom of two, a reporter for WRAL-TV and the author of several books including three on motherhood. Find her here on Mondays.

7 Comments

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bugsp1981- don't we wish that it was so easy to contact them. I do ask God to have them check in on me occasionally. He knows that I need it.

computer trainer
October 1, 2012 3:19 p.m.

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I lost my mom a year ago and my wife and I are always thinking of calling her to ask about a recipe. I often think I'll call 1-800 CALL GOD and ask to speak to her or my dad

bugsp1981
October 1, 2012 12:03 p.m.

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It has been almost nine years since my mother passed away. As a man, we are told that we are supposed to get over it, move on, not show emotion, but the feelings our loss none the less are always there. Obviously, you had a wonderful mother, as did I. She gave you direction and although you feel like you are floating aimlessly without direction she will always be in your heart giving you direction. I have reached for the phone so many times over the years to ask a question or tell her something that was going on in my life only to realize she is no longer there for my calls. For those of us who really understood a mother's love there will always be the feeling of loss. However, our mothers taught us so many lessons in life which we can only hope can in some way pass on to our children.

lec02572
October 1, 2012 9:20 a.m.

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My mom died 6 years ago and I still think of picking up the phone to call her.

eclark012
October 1, 2012 8:03 a.m.

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I still call out for Mamma when I have a bad dream. She died thirty three years ago when I was a young woman.

nancygbranch
October 1, 2012 7:56 a.m.

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My mama left this earth in 08 and I am still searching for the shore.