Amanda Lamb: Seasons

By Amanda Lamb

Posted: August 5, 2012
Updated: August 6, 2012

This past weekend, we took my children to the Jersey Shore to see my family. It was an annual vacation that had been planned for earlier in the summer, but postponed due to my mother's illness. While it was welcoming to be in the arms of my family and to do familiar things in a familiar place, there was also a lingering sadness because part of this annual trip used to involve my mother.

I'm not sure when being reminded of someone who has died will stop hurting so much. It is hard to measure grief on a daily basis because just when you think you are moving forward, making real progress, you take two steps back and you are right back in the thick of it again.

My children, however, love the traditions of this annual vacation - miniature golf, ice cream, the zoo, kayaking. For them, this was a necessary journey back to normalcy, back to a place where Mommy isn't always so sad. Amanda Lamb's daughter in New Jersey

Sometimes, I think the only answer is to do new things and go to new places, places that don't remind me of my mother, but I know this is unrealistic. I also know that it is important for my children to continue to enjoy family traditions, even those that include painful reminders for me of what I've lost.

I am trying to look at grief as a season right now, a part of the life cycle that we as human beings really have no control over. There is no moving on, bucking up, or getting over it as well-meaning people often suggest. It is simply something one must accept, bear, and go through.

Soon, the leaves will change colors from green to golden hues and fall from their limbs. The air will turn chilly and snow will cascade from gray skies blanketing the earth. Eventually, after the spring rains, bright flowers will push through the hard ground and bloom again. The change of seasons is an inevitable part of the cycle of life. We know the changes are coming. We count on them.

Hopefully, my season of grief will give way to positive change, and when the season changes, so will I ...

Amanda Lamb is the mom of two, a reporter for WRAL and the author of several books including three on motherhood. Find her here on Mondays.

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No one can tell you how you SHOULD feel. You're right that even you can't predict how you may feel, what may suddenly affect you. Just know that it will not always be such a sharp pain, such a deep sadness. But until then, let your heart feel what it needs to feel. Thinking of you.

pdeloatch
August 7, 2012 10:14 p.m.

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Grief is something everyone has to deal with, we try to find the best ways for ourselves and our family. A friend told me about www.Griefshare.org. Check out their website, it is could be great for you and your kids to understand your new normal, and that everyone must go thru this unfortunately. I lost a sweet baby boy at 11 months old, 4 years ago. The pain is still there, some days harder than others... Praying for Healing for us all

campbell0502
August 7, 2012 11:33 a.m.

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Amanda I can totally relate to what you're going through. I lost my daddy when I was 12, my brother when I was 17 and my mama when I was 23. Losing my family is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I think of them everyday. I get really depressed alot of days but there are days that I will hear a song that reminds me of my mama. What gets me through this life is knowing that I will see them again. I truly believe this. Just keep the good thoughts. I talk about my family alot which helps. But you never forget.

jcook2
August 7, 2012 8:12 a.m.

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Not saying you need advice, but mine would be ... cry your eyes out when you want to, and scream if you want to !!! Why ??? because it hurts. It just makes us human and it's okay !!!

gleephillips
August 6, 2012 10:34 p.m.

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My mom died unexpectedly 4 years ago, and daddy died this past December. It hurts. There are so many things I'd love to talk to them and ask them about. I know they are with Jesus, but oh my how much I miss talking with them getting their hugs. Time does help, but the hole is never, every filled up. And I wouldn't want it to be.

this is my Screen Name
August 6, 2012 10:15 a.m.

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Totlly agree with grannybam07. My mother passed away 10 years ago in November and I have never stopped missing her. For years I would think of calling her to ask about how to cook something only to realize she was gone. For those people who say, moving on, bucking up, or get over it, they mean well, but unfortunately they may never have had a relationship like some of us had with our mothers. Even today, there is not a day I do not think of her. You should continue to do the things you did when your mother was here. Yes, it will hurt now, but as time passes remembering the good times that you had with her will bring some comfort.

lec02572
August 6, 2012 9:03 a.m.

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You don't get over it you just get through it. It will be 4 years Sept. 3rd that I lost my daddy and then 7 months later I lost my mother unexpectedly. Some days still the pain is very raw. It does get a little easier as time goes by, but sometimes it is the strangest things that get to me. I song, a smell, but the thing that hurts me most is what they are missing in my daugher's life and what she is missing from losing both grandparents.

uncfan89
August 6, 2012 8:44 a.m.

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In the Jewish tradition, people actively mourn for a year. Then the person is remembered annually. Of course, the grief never goes away, it just fades. I think grief comes in waves. Be patient and know that you are honoring your mother with these feelings.

Zelda
August 6, 2012 8:17 a.m.

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I just wanted to let you know that 10 years from now you will hear a song, a word or something that will make you think of your mother.I lost my mom and brother and the hurtdoesn't go away but it will get better. Christmas and Mother day and the July are the hardest for me. You see my brother day two day before christmas, my mom died on July 16, my daughter birthday is on the 17 and my mom was buired on the 18 and my brother birthday is on the 19 and the only good thing about this week in July is my grandaughter was born on the 22. So I know what you are going though

shirleystrickland
August 6, 2012 6:55 a.m.

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Be patient with yourself, you'll never stop missing your mother. In time, the pain will be different, not so sharp & stabbing. As a friend shared with me one time, 'your grief is a sign that you had someone in your life that you shared such a wonderful, deep love with that now that she's gone there is a gaping hole. This is tough is such an understatement. However, there are some people who live there entire lives & never share this kind of love.'

grannybam07
August 6, 2012 12:45 a.m.

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