Opening doors on New Year's Eve

By Michelle Donahue Hillison

Posted: January 2, 2007

New Year's is usually a low key thing here. For the past six or so years, I've been working at a three-day basketball tournament between Christmas and New Year's Eve. Three days of 12 hour days and six or seven basketball games back to back will have me running on empty.

So curled up on the couch last night on New Year's Eve we sat down to touch base with some of our extended family. We had calls to return and make, so we hit speakerphone and got out our call list. Between going to Disney for a week, the holidays and the basketball tournament, we had been gone more than we'd been in it felt like!

We spoke to both of Hayley's grandmothers and one of her aunts on her birthfamilies' sides. We missed talk to them after Christmas due to scheduling and then being gone, so it was very important to talk to them and she enjoys it.

One of Hayley's grandmothers asked if she could three-way call in her birthdad. I froze for a minute. It wasn't something I was ready to do right then but I knew in my heart that Hayley was ready for the chat. It has been almost four years since she had spoke to him when she was about five. That was one of the few times she had even seen him because he didn't know he was her birthfather for the first three years of her life.

I spoke to him first about how things should be handled and I knew his mother had done the same. She was shy at first but perked up some, especially went getting to talk to one of her little brothers for the first time. We talked about sports, Disney, school and all the basic things you chat with relatives about on the phone.

She ended the call with saying, "It was good to hear your voice" to her birthdad. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew we'd done the right thing letting her talk to him. I got an email from her grandmother today where she said he called back to talk to her after the chat and cried over talking to her.

I worried about my husband. I've been dealing the emotional ramifications of being the 'second mother' but this was the first real tangible interaction with someone else who was her father too. Jeff is pretty strong emotionally and said it didn't bother him. He was quick to chime in how great her comment about hearing her birthdad's voice was to have made. I'll have to take him at his word it didn't bug him.

8 Comments

WRAL.com welcomes your comments on this story. All comments are moderated prior to publication based on our posting guidelines. Please review them prior to posting and if your message is not approved.

This story is closed for comments. Comments on WRAL.com news stories are accepted and moderated between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. Monday through Friday.

page 1

sort order: oldest first | newest first

Thank you for allowing this little girl to speak with her extended family. She is lucky to have such loving and caring parents. She has more people to love her. I hope she grows up to feel the same way should she decide to adopt a child.

diwanicki
January 3, 2007 9:28 p.m.

Report abuse

First, thanks to everyone for sharing! I love hearing from you all!

ggrubbs, I don't disagree that adoption needs to be reformed. I am all for protecting the rights of ALL women - ALL people in the adoption triad. As I said in an earlier post, I was very baffled about why after 12 hours she couldn't get her children back.

I think only the people involved in that case know all the details and I just hope someone is looking out for the best interest of the CHILDREN.

There are so many great agencies out there and I wish there was a way to help mothers who do want to place their children for adoption find those agencies. No woman should ever be coerced into adoption.

Jenna - I know. She didn't have much to say but I knew at that moment too. And hearing her brother...you know how powerful that kind of moment can be.

luvdogs - exactly. You are parenting the child that was meant to be your child. The mother who decided to parent instead did the right thing for all.

michelle234
January 3, 2007 3:44 p.m.

Report abuse

Even the best of adoptive parents cannot replace the feeling of looking into the eyes or speaking with a genetic link. Hats off to Michelle for realizing the importance of this link to the overall development (emotional and physical) of her child. Part of becoming "comfortable in your own skin" is knowing all of the pieces that make up that "skin". I was 45 before I saw or spoke w/anyone in the world except my own child that shared genetic characteristics with me. Please do not think this isnt important to the child regardless of how good a parent you are. Hayley probably wont fully understand this until she has children of her own but it'll be important that she has all the pieces then. There's no such thing as a "second mom" - you are her mother if you've taken on that role - a child wont suffer from the love of too many people. You are only part of what will make her a complete and healthy adult. Many other people will take part as well. sorry for being so long winded! :-)

jdaltj
January 3, 2007 2:04 p.m.

Report abuse

Thank you for showing the positive side of adoption. I have an adopted daughter. I know there has been a lot of news about the woman that changed her mind and couldn't get her kids back. That's the exception. I adopted from a wonderful agency. There are many open adoptions at the agency w/ people happy on all sides. The birthmother for my daughter didn't want open, didn't even return agency calls after she placed her and has never called to inquire about her at all. I would have done open adoption if she wanted it. I was willing all the way until the adoption was final and the records were sealed. Not all birthmothers want their children back. Many adoptive parents, agency and attorneys are very ethical. I know that I had one birthmother change her mind on me before I got my daughter. I don't wish her any ill will; I got the baby I was meant to have. Thank you for showing the positive side of adoption.

luvdogs
January 3, 2007 8:43 a.m.

Report abuse

I love this blog because it's a perfect example of how adoption should be handled. The child is blessed with wonderful adoptive parents but not kept from knowing her origins and heritage. How I wish my adoption had been this way.

Hayley is a lucky, lucky child and there are no words to express my respect and admiration for her parents.

boatrokr
January 2, 2007 2:49 p.m.

Report abuse

Although I sympathize with adoptive parents in general, it is well-known that we have a "baby market" going on in this country and other countries around the world. Case in point is the current local situation where a desperate birth mother, who was coerced out of her own "flesh and blood" children by unscrupulous adoption agency staff and probably lawyers, made a desperate, frantic attempt at claiming her own biological children realizing that this was the only way she would ever have what is rightly hers. After the birth of her twins, this woman undoubtedly had severe postpartum depression, and poor, if any, counseling for it, and she was obviously manipulated and pressured into giving up her lovely children by unbelievably immoral people, including the adoption agency people, the lawyers, and the receiving adoptive parents. How can the adoptive parents keep these children away from the woman that gave birth to them. Shame on you. We need to be enlightened in this country - human

ggrubbs
January 2, 2007 12:34 p.m.

Report abuse

:) "It was good to hear your voice." Yes, sounds like she was ready. This warmed my heart, Michelle. Thanks for sharing.

mrsjennahatfield
January 2, 2007 12:11 p.m.

Report abuse

Great news about the contact with her birthdad. That's wonderful for Hayley.

kooistrafamily
January 2, 2007 10:27 a.m.

Report abuse

page 1

sort order: oldest first | newest first