We recently went to a party for a publication I work on. At the end of the night, the host's wife, who is an educator and lovely person, remarked that Hayley must be an only child because of her precocious demeanor. Jeff, Hayley and I all laughed and I said she was an only child. As I got to the car it occurred to me, she is my only child but she is not an only child because she has two half-sisters. I was crushed, feeling like I might have given my child a negative message about their existence or her life before us. I knew the only thing to do was open up and talk to her - and immediately.

So in the car I explained to her what I was thinking. Turned out it hadn't even bothered her but it was a good opening to ask her how SHE wanted those questions answered. How much is too much to tell people? If we say certain things, we will open the door to questions she may not want answered in public. She has a right to confidentiality and she has a right to be a child, to try to live a more uncomplicated life. While sharing about adoption is something I feel passionate about, she is seven and I do not expect her to carry any placards around or be some adoption poster child.

I offered some suggestions and we agreed that the answer to give to most people is that she is OUR only child. However if we know the people or she feels like sharing, she can say she has two sisters who live somewhere else. That worked for her and she said she thinks of herself as any only child most of the time too. Of course, she went on to talk about how she liked it because she didn't have to share us and she got more gifts. Ending on a laugh helped.

For us, it has been important to talk about how to answer questions like these. I may offer suggestions but it is her words and her decisions. We aren't programming her but we are giving her tools to use when she is put in positions that may feel uncomfortable, as well as doing the same for ourselves. I never want to share or say things that hurt her. Open communication is so important for us.