We got the kind of email that every parent dreads - the one from the teacher saying your child is in trouble.

HH "stole" a snack from the school cafeteria. She asked permission to get it and then took it without paying for some reason. She has an account at school with cash in it and she had an extra snack in her backpack.

After talking to her, we've figured out that she has been giving snacks to a friend (why, who knows?) and the friend was leaving the cafeteria, so she got in line, grabbed the snack and dashed over to give it to her - before paying. So she didn't like "steal" it so much as making a bad decision. But she was very upset and gets it was wrong, so those are very positive signs. (Yeah, I stole as a kid, my mom told me she did too, it is just part of being a kid ... not something we want to just blow off but I'm not going to freak over it.)

As pissed as I was, I wasn't mad when I picked her up from school. I was firm about it being wrong but calm and let her know repeatedly how much we love her and that she is here to stay. She cried some in my arms and I could tell it was a rough day for her. I make it clear the conversation was going to continue when Dad got home and she was on restriction - no playing with friends outside and no TV/DVD/video games.

She was so angry though at us - she really took it out on me. I know it was just her defensive mechanisms/coping skills. I yelled once, briefly, but was able to stay the "firm but loving" course and I'm proud of myself for that. She argued everything with me - it wasn't stealing, that stealing wasn't wrong for kids, that the school doesn't pay for food, on and on. I believe her anger was really at herself but this was manipulation to get me into an argument over semantics instead of being mad at her. I wasn't going to blow her out anyway.

I talked to her teacher and asked him to punish her, eventhough the school doesn't for just one offense like this. However we believe in natural consequences, in that punishments should be appropriate to the action. I can take away stuff here but that really doesn't make the point. So she had to have a 'silent lunch' the next day where she sits alone and can't chat with her friends. That PAINS me that she is going through that, I feel HORRIBLE but I can guarantee I'd feel much worse if she doesn't learn the lesson and screws up at 18.

We've been clear about all the definitions and actions and we've been firm what is allowed in this family. We've made sure the lines of communication are wide open with the teacher and therapists and we've made sure she knows she is loved. So we'll just stay this course and hope she understands how to make better decisions.