I would often look through state of NC's database of foster kids looking for homes, I saw a child that I can't seem to get out of my head. I showed my husband and the child seemed to be a good fit to him as well.

My husband is a pretty steady even keeled guy but today when we talked, I asked him if this was just hypothetical, that we know just know there are some kids that would be a fit for us or are we really looking specifically at THIS child. I wanted him to say it wasn't hypothetical and to my eternal shock, he did and he agreed we should try to get more information about him. He does have some problems but they don't seem like things we can't deal with medication and counseling.

We are nearly through the MAPP classes and are allowed to get information about kids now - at least about their availability. When we talk to our social worker, we find out the boy above we were already getting excited over is placed with another family:

I do have disappointing news for you though - I heard from Matthew's social worker that a family has been chosen. That's wonderful for him. He may still be in the database for awhile as they don't always move fast at removing them...sometimes b/c they forget to notify them, other times b/c they want to keep their options open in case things don't work out with the family they have chosen ...

In logically, I knew this was a possibility but my heart didn't seem to really believe it. Sometimes holding on to a concrete example of an idea helps you feel like you are working towards something and knowing it was all for a chance with this child made this easier.

I mean hey, it is about the kids bottom line and it is a very good thing that he has found a family and will be out of foster care. So I'm honestly happy for him but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm hurting right now.

In fact, EVERY child we ask about from the database that would match with us is already gone. It seems the database isn't really a tool to specifically look for children but more like a general tool to pull you into the idea by personalizing the children out there looking for families.

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At the same time we get that news and figure out any kid online is already gone, a friend of mine who went through infertility issues when we did finally got pregnant. I'm happy for her but we stopped talking about two months ago and I resent that she re-entered my life only to tell me about it.

Gee, thanks. I know she is happy but she knows how hard this is for everyone.

I was looking at some of Jeff's baby pictures tonight and it hit me all over again that I'll never have a child that looks like that little boy, no one with his brains and sweet blue eyes. I've failed at that. I've failed him.