How to find yourself in your marriage
Posted December 27, 2016
You spend what feels like your whole life searching for the one to spend the rest of it with. You wake up everyday with the intent to find him, you get dressed and put your makeup on with him in mind and you go about your day always keeping an eye out for him.
Then, you find him and you slip easily into his world without a second thought...but sometimes, the price of entering his world is losing yourself. You are so intent on being his everything that nothing else matters until, one day, you wake up and realize you no longer know your purpose. You no longer know your motivation to get up in the morning — there is no reason to get dressed and your day is empty unless it’s full of him. He becomes your entire world and for something so easy and seemingly full of joy, it can be detrimental.
How do you find yourself again?
There is no step by step process, but there are some things that must happen.
Recognize you are lost
This is possibly the hardest part. We strive for so long to be one with our partner; one mind, one voice and acting as one, but oneness is not always best. You can’t agree on everything, so to be one in all things someone has to give in. Giving in is fine in some situations (and actually recommended), but in the important things, it is not.
Daily self check-ins
The path to finding yourself must begin with an inventory. And to stay on the path, that inventory must be taken daily. Ask yourself every day what you need to do today to take care of yourself that day and then do it!
Do things you love with people you love
A big part of losing yourself stems from giving up your favorite activities and friends when you get married. It is an easy trap to fall into. You are so in love with each other that other people and activities feel like excess, but they aren't. Do things you love with your husband, but also include outside friends and family. This will complete your relationship circle.
Learn to be an individual
People who feel lost in their marriage usually feel they aren’t complete without their spouse, but you can exist as a single entity; remember that. Take time for yourself, remember what it feels like to be independent and then bring those qualities back into your marriage.
Stop being so nice
The temptation to compromise on everything he wants is hard to resist. You convince yourself you don’t really care and to stay unified you push your opinions deep inside, but don’t do everything for him. Don’t give up things you love and believe in just because you think you are being nice.
Stop trying so hard
On the path to rediscovering yourself, it's easy to become completely self-centered. A counter-intuitive method to rediscovering yourself is to forget yourself. Focus on making the world a better place and in the process you will feel more fulfilled than ever before.
Know when to bend and when to stand firm
Some things are worth the sacrifice, but others aren’t. Evaluate what things are worth the fight and let him know your boundaries. Your husband should know you will stand firm when supporting your moral beliefs and values. It is good to have opinions and voicing them is one of the quickest ways back to finding yourself.
Marriage is all about compromise and becoming a team ready to face any challenge, but it is also about pushing each other to be better. When you and your spouse encourage one another and support each other in your personal and team endeavors, you won’t have to worry about losing yourself. You will both become better, stronger and more unified than ever before because you know who you are as an individual. Find yourself and you will find joy.
Kelsey is a student at Brigham Young University studying to broaden her horizons through the written word. She loves the outdoors, family, car washes and punny witticisms.