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the truth about grits
Published Nov. 3, 2009Views: 1085
What Are Grits?
Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn.
These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as Grits can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed.
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in North Carolina, and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and supper is out of the question).
Yankees have attempted to create synthetic Grits. They call it Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.
Historical Grits
As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public due to their rarity.
The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)
The 10 Commandments of Grits
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife.
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy.
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits.
V. Thou shalt use only salt, butter, and red-eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits.
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits.
VIII.Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Eat Grits
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)
In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy * on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they cause cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.
Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)
Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.
The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. (DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)
Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
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Addendum:
Please understand that the instructions above should suffice for most people. But after getting deeper into our Southern Childhood, one might consider perking up your grits with some Cheese. It also will add a few calories and it is my understanding that there was no cheese in the manna but possibly some Jewish entrepreneur with a deli found something he could sell to his Southern Hebrew relatives. Thus....Cheese Grits.. Go slow on the butter if you are tempted to add cheese. You have been instructed.
Also, the epistle writer did not reveal a Southern Secret. That is: You can freeze grits and when you nuke 'em....they are perfect for consumption. And all of us know that consumption is dangerous!
Filed under: Food & Dining
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They don't offer that up here. Same with collard greens and aspergrass (as I call it) as frequent side dishes. Some of the southern vegetables that is common we almost NEVER serve up north.
I can say I have tried the foods, but I am not one for it. Now with my diet changed, I can't enjoy the GOOD tasting stuff anymore.
November 3, 2009 8:53 p.m.
Check out Cindy at the Owens Highway 501 Diner on Fordham Boulevard next to the Eastgate Shopping Center in Chapel Hill.
Cindy knows how to make some delicious grits,not to mention some of the best cup of coffee in town. In all of Chapel Hill.
GOLO member since July 12, 2007
November 3, 2009 6:50 p.m.
GOLO member since July 12, 2007
November 3, 2009 6:48 p.m.
Make extra grits at breakfast on Day 1. Spoon excess grits into shallow pan and put in fridge. Day 2 - cut grits into medium size squares and fry in hot vegetable oil. Perfectly done, they are crispy outside and soft inside. Drain briefly on paper towels, cover with butter and eat while hot.
O Lord, I miss these! (Doctor on my azz about cholestrol)
GOLO member since August 7, 2007
November 3, 2009 6:09 p.m.
I know, I know....sacriligious around these here parts. But I don't eat much of anything that is very salty..don't do fat back either...YUCK!...but love grits,cream of wheat and my oatmeal...ummmmhummm!
GOLO member since December 11, 2008
November 3, 2009 6:00 p.m.
November 3, 2009 5:42 p.m.
I didn't like those grits, but do like 'em. . .
GOLO member since July 17, 2007
November 3, 2009 5:26 p.m.
GOLO member since July 26, 2007
November 3, 2009 5:23 p.m.
GOLO member since July 26, 2007
November 3, 2009 5:22 p.m.
LMAO
GOLO member since July 26, 2007
November 3, 2009 5:20 p.m.
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