sandracarringtonsmith's blog

criticism: friend or foe?

 abuse

Criticism is often perceived as a personal attack, and our first reaction, when others criticize our actions or thoughts, is to become defensive and, often, lash back.

When someone criticizes our behavior or words, we feel undermined, and are afraid that once discredited, our personal worth is compromised in the eyes of the world.

As children, our greatest goal is to please adults and hear their words of praise. As adults, things don’t change much. We long to be connected to others, and become distraught when we feel rejected.

No matter what the issue at hand, people will have different opinions. Although some will choose to spew their position using less than desirable words, it is possible that a bit of truth is hidden within the wave of negative statements.

Many of us argue with others merely to hear a confirmation of our own beliefs; receiving approval for what we think or feel gives us a sense of validity of our own ideas, and reinforces our resolve to believe in them.

When we are entirely comfortable with something, we don’t feel the need to argue our point, as we know that, no matter how others feel, our ideas are unchangeable, and we will stick by them even if we are one against the rest of the world. When we argue – and especially when we become belligerent around the issue we are arguing about – is simply because we are still trying to figure out the validity of what we are stating. We seek approval from others in supporting us against those who don’t agree with us, as we feel comforted by the power of numbers. If others agree, we assume, our ideas must be right.

How can we accept criticism as our friend, and turn a negative into a positive?

1)      Take time to cool off, so that raw emotions won’t cloud your judgment. Delay response until able to process the meaning of what’s being said.

2)      Turn a negative into a positive. Rather than arguing your point, seek the silver lining within the hurtful words. Everything has a positive side.

3)      Be open minded enough to accept the fact that there may be some truth in the hurtful words, and commit to try to see if you can indeed learn something new.

4)      Criticism is very rarely a personal attack. It may be an attack of your words or actions, but it is not inherently directed to you as a person. Learn how to detach the two.

5)      Remain calm and positive, and take the opportunity to clarify your views without feeling you have to become defensive. You are not being personally attacked. Thank the other party for their opinion. After all, opinion is tied to individual perception and does not always reflect reality.

 Ultimately, criticism can be a positive thing, if it is viewed as such. And we’ll feel good knowing we have turned an enemy into a long lasting friend.