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tell me my future if you can
by Cuzin LukeyPublished Jul 13, 2008
Views: 17
Hungry and can’t eat
The gnawing inside is only quelled by activity. Eating seems to help. Games people play certainly curtail the nibbling going on deep within. If I have a soul or spirit, there is where this biting, munching, chewing is happening; deep within, I know not where. I can only say that this persuasion, invasion, or whatever name you want to put on a feeling like this must come from the “heart.”
That last sentence introduces us to another discussion and a difficult one indeed. What is our heart: muscle, nerves, valves, electrical fibers, and actually it can be considered four pumps operating in exact harmony, rhythmic and precise. But occasionally everyone’s heart misses a beat. You may never realize it nor feel it but your own heart misses pulsing too. You have to have a heart if you’re to live and there is a minimal amount of work it must do to maintain life. Look, we all know what the physical heart is. Let’s look at what it is said to be.
The heart of mankind is said to be the seat of the emotions, the innermost man. Now we know that the heart has no bearing whatsoever on our emotions. It’s just a figure of speech because there is none more convenient. The originator of emotion can be anything you want to call it, and the habitat of our emotions is anywhere you imagine it to be. Am I getting off track? Could be!
Let’s get back to the story line.
I will try and not use the word “heart” in describing wherever this feeling lives. I do know that it is a real thingamajig (for lack of a better word) somewhere that generates this emptiness in me. And believe me I have tried every imaginable way to trick this monster into believing that I was satisfied. It’s insatiable! Devouring every device, game, or anything else I use to appease it. Nothing works! And I am still ground up inside.
Now back to Jacksonville!
On a Monday, April 7, 1975 despair and hopelessness made them a home at my house. I needed, deserved, no I just wanted to rid myself of whatever it is that holds all of me and still makes me to be nothing. It was there. I felt it, I hated it, but it didn’t have a name. No doctor could explain it. No soothsayer could make it go away. Whatever name you want to apply here can be what you call him, her, it, or you name it. I can’t.
Was it the devil? Was it my conscience? Am I going crazy? Why can’t I be left alone to live in peace?
Now there’s another word: peace. I needed peace. I needed to be satisfied. I realized that I had never been at peace. I had no peace with anyone or the world. Most of all I had no peace with me.
Finding just the thing to pack away in that chasm had eluded me. It ate and ate and ate but was never filled.
My God, what can I do?
Filed under: Personal
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July 14, 2008 10:13 a.m.
July 13, 2008 5:26 p.m.
GOLO member since July 18, 2007
July 13, 2008 5:08 p.m.
Great writing!
GOLO member since August 23, 2007
July 13, 2008 4:30 p.m.
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