smorgas_of_borg's blog

tongue-tied and crying inside

 abuse

When Words Fail  

Losing a child, even an adult child, is something I cannot fathom. I’ve never lost a child. I have known several people who have. My pastor lost her adult son last July. Depression got the best of him and he took his own life by asphyxiation in his car.  This week, we received a letter from her stating that she feels that because of the loss, she has lost the ability to fulfill her pastoral responsibilities fully and she has tendered her resignation.

I understand, as best that I can, how heavy this must have laid upon her heart. I’m saddened to lose a true friend and trusted advisor who helped me through some very trying times in my personal life.  I’m going to miss her deeply.

I came across the ‘list’ below on a web site for fathers who have lost an adult child. The posting is from a father who also lost his adult child to suicide. After reading it, I was left to wonder if any of my fellow GOLOers have experienced such words of ‘comfort’ and ‘advice’ from others after losing a child or loved one. I know that people mean well, but sometimes you just have to wonder.

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  Some Things I Hated to Hear  

Here are some "thoughtful" expressions that I and others could have done without. 

 "It was his time."

Would that it be the "time" of anyone compelled to utter this one. No one who loses a child will be comforted by this statement.   

"There was nothing anyone could have done."
Few suicide griefers find any solace in this throwaway line. Something damn well could have been done to save him!   

"Did you know that he was mentally ill?"
No comment.   

"He must have been very disturbed."
I believe that he was very perturbed. I'm the one who's disturbed by your ignorance.  

"God wanted him more than you did."
I'd rather have heard: "He's with God now."   

"Don't you think that you should be getting over it by now?"
This from someone whose most significant loss was her ninety-something grandmother dying at home with the family by her side.   

"I know exactly how you feel."
If you haven't lost a child you don't have a clue, my friend.   

"Why did you have to do it?"
Kevin who lost his young daughter to suicide told me how much he hated to hear this one resounding in his mind. I know what he means -- I hate to hear myself saying it, too.   

"You know, you have to let him go."
No, I don't have to, and I never will. The part of him that lives in my heart will stay put.   

"All that anger is keeping you from healing."
That might be true were "healing" an available outcome. Perhaps part of the anger is because I can't get over this. Take that back to your therapist for processing, okay?  

"You've got to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault. It was his free choice."
A suicidal individual in the throes of unimaginable suffering can make a "free choice" but I don't have the right to feel responsible for missing his anguish?  

"Too bad that he wasn't stronger."
In the case of suicide, pain levels all. Experience psychache (intense psychological pain) and then talk to me about strength.   

"He's in a much better place now."
His "place" was here for the 30-50+ years he lost. If he could have seen that his pain was temporary, he could have taken his time getting to that "better place."   

"Well, you know that it's been more than (1 year, 2 years, etc.) now."
Sorry to be noncompliant but I'm still his Dad and will be forever.

"Try to only remember the 'good times'."
From a Mom at an SOS conference who remarked "I never had any other kind of 'times' with my son before he died."   

"I supposed that now that you have a grandson it makes up for losing your son."
What perverse logic led to that conclusion? Actually the little guy often reminds me of what I've lost and what my son's missing.  

"You need help. You really ought to see somebody!"
I'd really like to see my son again. That would help.   

"I had a great Christmas with my family and all. Its really too bad that your daugther messed yours up!"
This was said to a mother whose daughter was murdered by a drunk driver. Parents who've lost children wouldn't wish it on anybody, but maybe there are exceptions.  

"Well, at least he went out with a bang."
From a co-worker to the aunt of a 22 year old man killed by lightning.  

"Good to see you back, time to get over it...the little missus has to realize that you can't spend all your time at home...you have to treat this like a military operational loss..."

From a "superior" officer to a father who lost his infant son at age 4 days.

>Smorg’s Comment: I recall the only thing that I could say to her at the funeral was, with tears in my eyes, and a huge lump in my throat, “…there are no words”.  She replied with a forced smile, “Hugs are good.” And we hugged as only true friends could.