grumpy-not's blog

kid's say the darndest things

Published Feb. 27, 2008

 
The Bible explained by kids - truth has been redefined!
 
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. 
We try to do more than Baby-sit our church's beloved little children during their time in our special junior church facility. 
We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. 
At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper
and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. 
This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. 
In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, 
let our junior church students help you with his
complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays: 
******************
 In the beginning, which occurred near the start, 
there was nothing but God,darkness, and some gas. 
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think 
He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 
'Give me a light!' and someone did. 
Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. 
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed 
because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve 
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were 
driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they 
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars 
 
**********************************************
 
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother 
as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people 
died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million 
or something. One of the next important people was Noah, 
who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. 
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals 
on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said 
they would have to take a rain check. 
 
*********************************************** 
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was 
more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold 
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. 
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. 
 
***************************************************
 
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was 
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt 
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues 
on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day 
with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, oke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom 
that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes 
when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought 
of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. 
 
*************************************************** 
 
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first 
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol 
and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. 
He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. 
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives 
and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, 
but that doesn't sound very wise to me. 
 
************************************************ 
 
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets 
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale 
and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them. 
 
********************************************** 
 
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') 
 
************************************************
 
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him 
 
*********************************************** 
 
Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. 
 
************************************************ 
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back 
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold 
in the book of Revolution.
 
There! Now you understand ! 
 
********************************************* 
 
Always Faithful
 
Sometimes God calms the storm, 
but more often 
He allows the storm to rage 
And calms His child.