WARNING: following the advice given in this blog could lead to injury or death!

I went to the fourth installment of the discussion panels known as Secondhand Freespace last night at Local 506 in Chapel Hill. The topic was "online music marketing", moderated by Heather MacDonald who oversees the music section at About.com, and including Jed Carlson of Reverb Nation, Lindsey Kronmiller of Merge Records, Mike Robinson of the band Annuals and their label Terpsikhore Records, and David Rose from KnowTheMusicBiz.com.

Everybody was cool, but the entire experience just underscored the fact that the music business completely sucks. As Exhibit A (in case you need evidence of this), we have the Raleigh band Annuals, who are arguably one of the more successful bands from our area, attempting to make it in the music industry nationally and internationally. They cannot yet support themselves as a band full time. The money just isn't enough for them to do it.

I think David Rose hit the nail on the head when he said that now musicians have so many tools available to them that were never available before, but the bad news is that now they also have to compete with the Dave Rose band, "which is pretty bad". (I haven't heard the DR Band, so I don't know. I'm just taking Dave's word for it.)

Therein lies the problem. There are just too many musicians out there. Period.

What we need to do is go back to the feudal system. No more capitalist crap! Basically, we will just have Lord Brussel Sprout LVII who appoints his royal minstrels, and THAT'S IT! Nobody else. Lord BS will just cut a fat check for his minstrels every month, and the rest of you musicians? Well, you just have to die right now.

So here's what we do. Go find all those extra rolls of duct tape you stockpiled during our last Code Orange Terror Alert. Yeah, we know you've got 'em. OK, now seat yourself comfortably in a chair where you won't knock anything over. Oh wait, before we go any further, please write the following on a piece of paper: "I hereby bequeath all my stuff to Blogger Dave, Royal Minstrel of Lord BS LVII", and sign it in blood or something. Anyway, now take the duct tape and wrap it firmly around your mouth, being careful not to leave any air holes. (.. and now, kids, here is the part where we tell you not to try this at home, because we are only after the musicians. If you are a kid who is an especially good musician, well, get your parents to help you with this part.) Now, take two Number 2 pencils, and shove them firmly up each nostril. I think the eraser end first is probably going to work best here. Lastly, count backward from 57 slowly...

La la la... we will just wait a bit here. Are they gone? Yes? Ha!

So now I pretty much have it made and I can be a full time musician. Lord Jim Goodnight can hire me to play at his SAS piano bar, nevermind that I don't play piano, but hey, what choice do you have? I guess I can find bandmates somehow, those few who did not get the memo. But tell me this--will you honestly miss the Jonas Brothers? No, you won't. You have me.

Next week check back for my review of Hammer No More The Fingers' new release. I just may let them live as well, because I care.