Raleigh, N.C. — These Are Not The Burgers You’re Looking For
The voice of the Ancient Burgiatrist Kobe-Wan came quietly into the Straight Beef’s collective conscious:
“You will go to the Gorman Street System.”
“There you will sample the burger and learn its secrets, just as I did.”
The scene opens on The Straight Beef seated at Gorman Street Pub. They have just been served their hamburgers.
Scott: I have a bad feeling about this.
Don: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Chad: Kobe-Wan said we were to learn the secrets of these burgers, but it tastes like those secrets include a Bantha-load of spices – onion powder, garlic powder, red chile flake and cumin, lots of cumin – even on the plain burger.
Don: When I ordered my burger, I was not expecting it to have been seasoned at the spice mines of Kessel. After all, it was the Have It Plain burger—I just added bacon and egg. But alas, the burger is seasoned to the taste of a Wookie with a lot of ‘Arghhhhhhh’ (Don roars and pounds his chest, causing several patrons to turn and stare). It overpowered the rest of the fixings and is a bit of a letdown.
Scott, Michael and Chad were handed the wrong plates. Each samples his burger, realizes something is wrong, trades his plate . . . and then trades again. They have a hard time determining which burger is which.
Chad: I ordered the Black ’n’ Bleu burger, Cajun rubbed with bleu cheese. When you can’t tell the plain cheeseburger from the Cajun spiced burger with bleu cheese, there’s a problem. Maybe “Cajun rubbed” means they have a Louisiana native chained in back who gives it a good pat down before serving.
Scott: The possibility of receiving the correct burger order is approximately 3,720 to 1.
Michael: Never tell me the odds!
Michael glances over at Chad who is chewing grimly and then glares at his burger.
Michael: My friend doesn’t like you.
The burger doesn’t respond.
Michael: I don’t like you either.
Scott: As senior Burgiatric knights we learned all learned the Way of the Grill, you “Do or do not. There is no try.” Gorman Street Pub doesn’t even try.
The Straight Beef departs Gorman Street Pub. As they exit, an eager young couple is entering the restaurant. Michael waves his hand in a complicated gesture in front of the man’s face.
Michael: These are not the burgers you are looking for.
Man: These aren’t the burgers we’re looking for.
Micheal: You should go on about your business . . . perhaps at Only Burger, Chuck’s or one of The Straight Beef’s Top Ten.
The man glances at his wife.
Man: We can go on about our business at one of the Straight Beef’s Top Ten.
The man’s wife stares at her befuddled husband and then strides forward purposefully.
Woman: That’s just creepy. I’m going to have a burger.
Don: It’s a trap!
Woman: I’m not afraid.
The Straight Beef: You will be. Yoooou wiiiiilll beeee.
Scott Blumenthal, Michael Marino, Chad Ward and Donald Corey are The Straight Beef, professional burgiatrists who review, rate and rank Triangle-area burgers on their award-winning blog. You can read more about The Straight Beef, including their education and scholarship, ratings system, and burger categorization method here.