Resilience: I can do hard things

When my son was in third grade, I remember waiting in the carpool line for the end of the school day. During this time, I think of questions to ask about his day.

Posted 11:00 a.m. Apr 4, 2023 — Updated 11:00 a.m. Apr 4, 2023

Gale McKoy Wilkins

, WRAL contributor

RALEIGH, N.C. — Recently, I saw a video of a mommy and daughter echoing to each other, “I can do hard things.” That statement stood out to me.

For decades my life has centered around affirmations, from note cards on the mirror to notes next to the lamp on the nightstand. My family would always send encouraging messages as we strived to take the next steps.

Yet somehow, in all of these, I missed the “I can do hard things” mantra.

This mantra encourages kids and adults alike that when difficulties and oppositions come, you know that you can do more.

This mantra is built on the idea of resiliency. Resiliency is the ability to recover quickly from difficulties, to be flexible, and positive in the face of challenges, trauma, tragedy, or threats. It involves flexibility and balance when dealing with stressful circumstances and traumatic events.

Currently, my staff and I are teaching hundreds of middle and high school students the subject of resiliency. We are coaching them on how to face the many challenges and crises of life.

We teach them how to engage in self-talk and self-coaching because it immediately changes one’s life. The way you talk to yourself, either positively or negatively, affects your behaviors. For example, a positive view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities can enable you to take on life’s challenges.

Even when life-altering circumstances hinder your life, know that new and incredible opportunities will open during these moments. You just need to push through to see these.

Examine yourself to see how you are talking to yourself — do you lift yourself up? Do you believe you can overcome? Tell yourself you can do hard things.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” ― Albert Einstein

Stop and name a few of the changes that obstructed your life.

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What first steps will you take to minimize these obstructions?

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How to Build Resiliency:

Learn to adapt.
Make connections.
Avoid seeing crises as unsolvable problems.
Accept that change is a part of living.
Develop realistic goals and move toward them.
Take decisive actions. It’s vital to act on hard situations as much as you can.
Look for opportunities for self-discovery. You may learn something about yourself and find that you have grown in some respect due to the struggle. (Learn more at www.project-arrow.com)

Challenging a fixed mindset

Getting past the voices of negativity is difficult and almost impossible because the brain is wired toward negativity. Self-sabotage, self-talk, negative beliefs, and internal resistance cause us to STOP in our tracks.

One must intentionally consider what the next steps are to engage with something difficult. We need to start with the negative voices and limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs live in all of us, telling us what we can’t achieve. If we don’t engage and face these, we will not achieve hard things.

Limiting beliefs cause fixed mindsets. A fixed mindset means you believe intelligence, talent, and other qualities are innate and unchangeable. If you're not good at something, you typically think you will never be good at it.

However, Carol Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Stanford University, believes that intelligence and talent can be developed with practice and effort. According to her, challenging situations can be catastrophic for those with fixed mindsets because of the implication that if they don’t already have the skills or intelligence to complete a task, there’s no chance of improvement. Instead, a growth mindset is needed to empower people to take the actions necessary to persevere.

Don’t allow a fixed mindset to hinder you. Instead, focus on the feeling of accomplishment and gaining victory. Allow these to fuel your soul.

Because you, too, can do hard things!

Resources: The Secret to Unlocking Teen Potential: Kickstart a new path for your teen today

Check out this teachable course for parents and students! Parents can look through the course while their teens watch the material. After, you can together have a conversation about how to do hard things.

Gale McKoy Wilkins is a wife, mom, grandparent and family life coach. She is the founder of Project Arrow, an evidence-based peer-to-peer and leadership program teaching middle, high school and first-year college students how to deal with trauma and crisis using life coaching. It's the first life coaching organization in the state to receive funding from the Department of Public Instruction and the first to implement life coaching in a school setting.

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