Ask Laura: I snooped on my daughter's phone and found out she has a boyfriend. What do I do?

I often check my daughter’s phone after she goes to bed, and I just learned from reading her texts that she has a boyfriend. Do I admit to snooping? What do I say to her? And how can I stress the danger of dating via “social media?" There are so many issues like sexting that leave me terrified!

I totally understand your desire to monitor your child’s activities online and your concern for her safety. Let’s take your questions one at a time.

No. In your case, admitting to your daughter that you check her phone after she goes to bed will only deteriorate any trust you’ve built with her. We know of plenty of parents who tell their kids that they read their texts, follow them on social media, etc. That’s different. If you know they’re coming, no trust is broken when you follow through on your word.

In fact, consider sharing your texts with your daughter and asking her to follow you on social media. Not only will you be showing her just how you want her to use these platforms, but she’ll trust your assessment of her accounts. And trust is more important than ever. She needs to know that you have her back, that you’re on her team.

Not only does it become impossible to digitally “helicopter,” it ultimately builds distrust. Our kids are always going to be one step ahead of us on social media.

Instead of helicoptering, huddle with your daughter. Get together one-on-one with her as often as possible and ask about her “social” life. Huddles are informal and can happen anywhere: in the car on the way to school, while making dinner, or before you turn on Netflix for the night. It doesn’t have to be structured or planned, just frequent.

By huddling you build trust; by helicoptering, you break trust. You want your daughter to want to come to you, not to think of you as their police officer.

Second, instead of scaring her with the dangers of dating via social media, empower her to use social media safely. Instead of restricting her by giving her a list of Don’ts, equip her with Do’s.

For example, rather than saying "Don't talk to strangers online," encourage your daughter to talk only to people she’s met in person. A big concern that we hear from parents across the country is about their child meeting pedophiles online. Rather than focusing on the negative, spin it into a positive coaching moment by encouraging your daughter to avoid the most common platforms used by pedophiles: anonymous apps. And consider huddling with her before she accepts any new friend requests. Equip and empower through Do's, rather than scare and restrict through Don'ts.