Angry Birds: Proof that not everything needs to be a movie

Look, I am not going to sugarcoat this, mainly because I don’t know how. Angry Birds sucks! It is one of the five worst movies I have ever seen. The movie lives in the potty humor world, which to paraphrase "Seinfeld," I don’t find offensive as a parent. I find it offensive as a lover of comedy.

A few years ago, Rovio, the Scandinavian video game maker responsible for Angry Birds, laid off 40 percent of its staff. The people working on the movie were deemed untouchable. Why? God only knows. Perhaps the harsh winters and days without sunlight have skewed that region’s idea of joy.

So what story could possibly be put to a game about birds that attack pigs for stealing their eggs? I mean…does it really matter? The only reason you’re going to see this is that your kid dragged you there, and if you’re kid dragged you there, you’re going to spend the majority of time playing other, more relevant games on your cell phone.

Side note: I know as a movie critic I am supposed to hate people playing on their phones in a theater, but this time I’ll allow it.

There are some birds. They can’t fly. They are all nice except the red one, who for some reason is voiced by the most generic face and voice in Hollywood, Jason Sudekis. Pigs come. They trick the birds and steal everyone’s eggs. Birds get angry and decide to murder the pigs. Tucked in there is a two minute long close up of an eagle urinating and a number of “jokes” that involve changing common swear words into fun bird puns (ie “this is plucking ridiculous”).

I’ll say it again, Angry Birds sucks. This weekend when your child tells you they want to see the movie, you have a number of options. You can suggest another movie or go overboard and splurge on quite the afternoon at Frankie’s Fun Park. I recommend old fashioned discipline. Perhaps a weekend long timeout will teach your kid not to be a gullible doofus. In fact, I will say one of my proudest moments as a father was walking out of the theater at North Hills and having my daughter turn to me and say “that wasn’t very good.” Congratulations, daughter! You’ve cemented yourself as daddy’s favorite!

Despite a voice cast full of very funny people, Angry Birds is utterly void of charm or comedy. I hated it and I hate myself for having seen it.