8 conversations every couple needs to have about sex

Posted May 17

Needless to say, sex is an amazing and intimate experience. As you know, it plays an important role in marriage and brings health benefits. And, in fact, it is one of the few topics that easily gets our attention.

Of course every couple wants to have great intimacy.

However, to have great intimacy in your marriage, you first need to have some conversations about it with your spouse. These conversations could end up being full of laughter and new discoveries about each other, even if they start out a bit uncomfortable.

Here are 8 conversations you should have as husband and wife about sex.

1. How many times do you want to be intimate in a week?

Everyone is unique and different. Our sex drives are not the same.

As a married couple, sit down and discuss how often you both want to have sex. Who has the higher sex drive in your relationship? Who has the lower one?

It's important to discuss this question with your spouse before you end up having a fight about it. Keep in mind there isn't a set number of times couples should have sex in a week.

Discuss your sex drives and compromise on frequency. Those desires will change over time, so bring this up again when you feel like you and your spouse are either having too little or too much intimacy.

2. What do you like most?

We all have our favorite foods, places to eat, books to read, movies to watch, etc. And, intimacy is no exception to what we favor.

When it comes to sex, what gets you excited and what makes you feel most intimate? Does your spouse know what you like? Have you told them? If your spouse does not know, tell them today.

What you and your partner like might change, so don't automatically assume what the other one says they like will always work. Communicate and stay open to new ideas.

3. What isn't working for you?

This question is similar to the last one, but it entails a bit more. Before, during and after you are intimate with your spouse, talk about some of the things that turn you on and turn you off.

How do you want sex to be initiated? When do you most want to have sex?

As simple as these questions sound, you and your spouse need to know what turns each other on if you want to have intimacy that really brings you together.

When having this conversation, never accuse or blame the other person. Don't ever make your partner feel guilty for not knowing what turns you on or off. Instead, talk about it kindly and lovingly. Showing gratitude for when your spouse turns you on is one of the most effective ways of communicating what you like.

4. Do you feel sexually connected and safe?

Emotional connection, to feel intimate and as one, is one of the many reasons why couples have sex. It's important for you to find out if your spouse is feeling this connection from making love.

Ask your partner: Do you feel rejected or sexually abused? Do you see sex as a chore or duty?

In order to have amazing intimacy in your marriage, make sure your spouse feels safe with you, trusts you and feels connected to you.

5. What does sex mean to you?

Is sex for pleasure, making babies, connection and/or fun?

Understanding what intimacy means to your partner can help you better understand their sexual habits and desires.

Explore this topic together. Perhaps you will both realize sex can have many different meanings and that on some days sex has different meanings than on other days.

6. How do you define a "sexless" marriage?

This question is a difficult one to ask, especially when you have a sexless marriage or when your spouse is not interested in talking about intimacy. But it's important for you and your spouse to discuss what a sexless marriage means to each of you. If you are in a sexless marriage, there is hope.

Maybe your partner considers having sex once a week as a sexless marriage, but you don't. Remember we are all different, so find out what your spouse's viewpoint is. Don't be surprised if they have a completely different view from yours. Talking about how often each of you desire to be intimate will foster understanding. And, again, compromise is huge here.

7. What will you do in times of a health crisis?

This may seem like a strange question to bring up when talking about intimacy. But ask each other what you will do when either one of you is sick, experiences pain during sex or is disabled. Other questions to ask are perhaps more gender-specific:

How will you respond when your wife has hormonal changes due to pregnancy, childbirth or menopause?

What will you do when your husband has erectile dysfunction?

8. How will you respond when one of us has a decrease or increase in our sex drive?

The human body is designed to undergo various changes based on different life events and our ages. Our sex drives are a part of this and will change.

For example, the death of a loved one or a miscarriage will certainly impact a person's desire to be intimate; their desire could be high or low. It might be high if they are in need of emotional or physical connection. Or it might be low if they desire to be alone and/or not to be touched.

Ask each other how each of you will respond when these highs and lows occur.

Together with my amazing wife, I help newlyweds adjust to married life, inspire married couples to improve their marriage and co-authored "Communication in Marriage" to help couples communicate better. Visit me at


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