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7 steps to go back to the woman that your husband fell in love with

Posted November 1

Have you changed since you said "I do?" Here's how to go back to who you were without losing who you've come to be. (Deseret Photo)

Relationships are great. When you have someone you can share your deepest desires with, a best friend to spend curled up watching a movie with and someone to hold your hand when you’re scared, it is the best feeling in the world. But sometimes we take those relationships for granted. We get too comfortable. We forget that at one time we treated them with the most respect of anybody. Sometimes we need to remember to be the woman your husband fell in love with. Here’s how we can do that:

1. Put in the same effort

When you were single and on the hunt, how much time and effort did you put into your appearance? You probably never left the house without make-up on or while wearing anything resembling yoga pants. Think about how much effort you put into yourself now. You are most likely the last one on your list of people to focus on. While life has changed for you, and it’s not the end of the world if you go weeks without straightening your hair, it can definitely kill some of the romance in your marriage.

Take time for yourself. Get pampered once in a while. Put effort into your appearance. Not only will it remind your husband of the beautiful woman he fell in love with, but it will show him how much more beautiful you are now. It will also make you feel better about yourself. Looks aren’t everything, but when you’re put together it can boost your confidence.

2. Talk to him

When you’re dating it seems all you do is talk to each other. You tell stories about your past, talk about your goals and dreams, and get to know each other. After years of marriage you may feel you’ve already heard all the stories and know everything there is to know. Sometimes you are so busy all you have time for is a quick update about the kids, work, and what needs to get done. If this is you, make sure you make time to have a real conversation. Talk. Share. These moments are what unite you. They are what remind you of what you love about your spouse. Your real feelings, your dreams that others may laugh at and your quirks that only they understand are what drew you to each other in the first place.

3. Go on dates

Between life, kids and work, going on a date with your spouse may be a thing of the past. It may seem ridiculous to try and squeeze a date between all you have going on in your life, but if you really want to be the person your husband fell in love with, this is vital. Spending time just the two of you strengthens your relationship. Dating reminds you of the reasons you fell in love with each other. It proves you still have things in common. It confirms that even after the kids leave the house and you both retire, you still will get along.

4. Spend time on your husband

New relationships have a certain excitement about them. It is fun discovering things about the other person. You used to really focus on your partner; who they are, what they like and what they want in a future spouse. When we were dating, we wanted to be the person they deserved to be with. We were on our best behavior, did things they liked to do, and found ways to make them happy. After we’ve been married a few years, things may get a little too comfortable. We may forget our manners and not be so concerned with what makes him happy. Fix this. Spend some time on him. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Remember how happy it made you to make them happy. Don’t forget that.

5. Don’t forget about you

Who you were then was obviously attractive to your husband. What you did with your free time, your hobbies, how you looked, how you acted — these were things that got your man’s attention. Sometimes it is easy to get lost. We can give ourselves over to our family, job = and other distractions. Don’t lose who you are. If you gave up cycling because you didn’t have the time, make time. If you stopped volunteering at the humane society because you moved away, find a new one to go to. Don’t lose what you’re passionate about. That is still something your husband will find attractive.

6. Step back in time

If you really want to return to those days when you were dating, do it. Look at pictures and videos, talk about what you used to do and remember. Take a look at how far you’ve come together and all that you’ve accomplished as a couple. It is good to reminisce, but also to note that change is good. We can’t all stay the same forever, but if we change and grow together, it can make for a very beautiful relationship.

Sometimes we just need a reminder that we are in a relationship. Relationships are hard and take constant work. By taking a look at your past and remembering how you were when you were first dating, it helps to remind you of this. It reminds you of who you were when your husband fell in love with you and will help rekindle the flame.

Megan Shauri graduated with a bachelors in Anthropology and a masters in Psychology. She lives in Orange County, CA and is a mother of twins. Contact her at Meganshauri@gmail.com

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