6 questions you should answer before deciding if it's time to end the relationship or work harder to save it
Posted May 4
Ending a relationship is a serious decision. Lives will be changed forever. When you are considering to either end your relationships or work to save it, there are some important questions you should ask each other. Please keep in mind these are not the only steps you should do before making your decision, but they may help you pause and reconsider things before making that final choice.
1. Is this a fight you’ve had before?
Do you continue to fight about the same issue again and again? If so, this is a red flag. Everyone fights, but if you find yourself in the same fight repeatedly without a solution, it means this issue is serious. If you don’t find a solution that both of you can agree on, it can tear your relationships apart. Eventually one (or both) of you will get tired of this fight and end it. If you find yourself in this cycle of fighting, moving on, and fighting again about the same issue, take some time to figure it out and find a solution. If you don't, this fight will never end.
2. Do you have kids?
Kids will definitely have an impact on how hard you fight to save your marriage. While you may fight to stay together so they can grow up in one household with both parents, keep in mind that it's not always the best choice. Being around a couple who fights all the time and can’t demonstrate a healthy, stable relationship can have long-term negative effects on your kids. Rather than just staying together for the kids, deciding what the best environment for them to grow up in is what you need to consider.
3. Is there a bigger problem affecting your relationship?
Sometimes we have a problem that has nothing to do with our relationship, but we are taking it out on the one we love most. It could be a problem at work or with your extended family. Perhaps you are incredibly stressed and release your frustrations on your spouse. While figuring out the underlying issue doesn't excuse the behavior, it can help your spouse understand your actions. It helps them be more sensitive to your needs and help you come up with a solution rather than just being your emotional punching bag.
4. Do you love each other?
This question is more complicated than it seems. You may be in love with the person you married, but they may no longer be that person. You may be in love with the idea of marriage or having the perfect family, but are confusing that with true love for the person you are with. If you do truly love them, that means being there through the good and bad. Even through a difficult trial, you don’t just give up and walk away from the ones you love. You keep fighting.
5. Are they emotionally abusing you?
It is pretty clear when someone is physically abusing you, but emotional abuse can be just as severe, yet not as obvious. Ask yourself if they make you feel good or bad about yourself. Do they constantly build you up or put you down? Does your partner point out all your flaws and none of your good qualities? There is a difference between fighting about something you do every so often and constantly putting you down for everything you do. If you are being emotionally abused, you owe it to yourself to acknowledge that and take action. If your loved one does not change after several attempts of trying to find a solution, it may be time to end it.
6. Have you tried every other option?
Have you tried couples counseling? Have you tried taking a vacation just the two of you? Have you tried talking it out? Have you honestly tried to make it work? All of these questions should be ones you ask yourself before you end it all. You should never jump ship on a whim; you should go through all your options before coming to this conclusion.
Marriage is hard work. There will be times when you wonder if it is worth it, but then there will be times when you wonder how you lived your life without them. If you go into marriage thinking it will be sunshine and roses all the time, then it may be hard to adjust to the fact that it does take effort, understanding, sacrifice and most of all love to make a marriage work.
Megan Shauri graduated with a bachelors in Anthropology and a masters in Psychology. She lives in Orange County, CA and is a mother of twins. Contact her at Meganshauri@gmail.com