5 tips to maintain positive relationships with adult children
Posted August 11, 2016
The transition from childhood to adulthood is one that brings with it a change of roles that are difficult to maneuver. For parents, there’s a lot of pressure for their children to be launched into successful adulthood. Here’s some advice that can help in allowing parents to let their adult children be adults.
1. Respect healthy boundaries and allow autonomy.
Parents have spent so many years rearing their children that it can be difficult to relinquish some of that parental control and allow their children to be an adult. One example is of a teenager learning to drive. Initially, the parent needs to be in the car with that teen to coach them and to make sure that they are driving correctly and safety, but as the teen gains experience behind the wheel the parent does not have to coach as much and eventually no longer needs to be in the car with the teen. It’s the same with growing children. When the child is small they need a lot of care, but as the child grows they no longer need the same amount of coaching and eventually they need to be given space to be autonomous. Adult children need to be allowed to be adults. They need boundaries in order to figure out what it means to be an adult. As that happens the child is going to possibly stray from some of the lessons the parent taught them, they may disagree on religion or politics, but that autonomy is needed for them to develop into healthy adults. They need a chance to develop a separate identity.
2. Listen more than you talk.
This is good communication advice for any relationship, but especially in this parent/adult child relationship. Part of a parent’s role for 18 years has been to give advice. For the adult child, advice is difficult to accept from parents; especially when it is unsolicited. After years of giving advice, now is the time to take a step back and spend more time listening rather than giving advice that may cause your adult child to feel insulted, belittled and affronted.
3. Don’t avoid conflict.
Conflict is going to happen. By avoiding conflicts it leads to tension, arguments and misunderstandings. Things don’t need to come to a boil. It’s important for both parties to express themselves, listen to one another and come to a resolution. When kids are young, conflicts involved them needing to brush their teeth, go to bed and do chores. The conflict was generally resolved with the parent saying “you will do it.” Those children are now adults and conflicts are going to be different. Parents should come to the conflict recognizing that they no longer have that same control over their child’s life and that they will need to communicate with their adult children in a different way than they did when the child was younger.
4. Accept those who are important to your children.
As a parent, if a family friend approached you and began to criticize your child it would cause you to become upset and defensive. As a parent you may dislike a child’s friend or not agree with your child’s choice of a significant other, but unless the child is in mortal danger, it’s important to be accepting of those who are important in the adult child’s life. That can be done by showing interest in the person, include them in functions and by not speaking ill or criticizing them.
5. Don’t overlook your children for your grandchildren.
Have you ever been at a family event and when the adult child and grandchildren walk in, the grandparents go right to the grandchildren, and they say hello to their own children almost as an afterthought? Adult children love to see their parents loving their children. As parents, it’s important to not forget that there is a continual need to nurture a relationship with their own children as well as with their grandchildren.
Triona McMaster, LCSW specializes in helping individuals overcome life's challenges, including depression, anxiety and trauma/PTSD by using highly specialized modalities, such as EMDR. Learn more about her and her services at www.lifestonecenter.com.