5 lies that are slowly killing your marriage
Posted May 17
Marriage reveals another side of your spouse you probably couldn’t see when you were dating. After the honeymoon phase ends and reality sets in, your spouse’s quirks you once loved may annoy you. But no matter how angry you get, you should never say these five lies that could destroy your marriage:
1. “I married the wrong person”
Finding a spouse is not like finding a needle in a haystack; if that were the case, the chances of any of us finding the right man or woman would be slim to none. There are hundreds and even thousands of people in this world you’re probably compatible with. Just because you’re going through a rough patch doesn’t mean you married the wrong person.
“Marriage is not primarily about finding the right spouse. It's about being the right person,” marriage therapist Glenn Lutjens said. Focus on being the person you want to be with. You’ll both be happier if you can focus on improving yourself rather than trying to fix each other.
2. “I’m not in love with my spouse anymore”
Thinking you’ve fallen out of love is nothing but a myth. This feeling is more common than you think, and with work, your marriage can be repaired. When you believe you’re not in love anymore, marriage expert Jill Savage says seeking a new relationship is not the answer. Wondering why?
It's not the answer “because the same thing will likely happen down the road in another relationship,” she said. “All relationships have ups and downs. Don’t run to a new relationship because you feel ‘love’ or ‘passion’ there and you don’t feel it at home.”
Work together to build your relationship. Start with spending more time together, even if it’s only a few minutes at the end of each day. It can make a huge difference in your marriage.
3. “Our marriage is beyond repair”
There are situations where it’s safer for yourself and your family to leave a relationship rather than to stay. But before you assume all hope is lost, confide in a trusted family member, friend or counselor for help. They have your best interests at heart, and as someone from the outside looking in, they can give you and your spouse advice that could end up saving your marriage.
4. “It’s all my spouse’s fault”
Blame will only drive your partner away. It’s even considered a form of emotional abuse, according to experts. When done frequently, the person being blamed might start to believe they’re always the problem. This can lead to guilt and poor self-esteem.
Don’t hurt your spouse this way. Try using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, you could say “I feel sad when you don’t keep your promises” instead of “You never keep your promises.”
5. “My spouse doesn’t make me happy”
Separate the deed from the doer. It isn’t your husband that makes you unhappy; it’s your feelings about his behavior. For example, maybe you’re frustrated because he didn’t wash the dishes last night or maybe you’re angry because he didn’t help you get the kids ready for bed. Share your feelings with your spouse so you can solve your problems together.
If your feelings are deeper than surface level, it’s crucial to talk with your spouse and a therapist to figure out where those feelings stem from and how your marriage can be repaired.
What you do and say can either build or destroy your marriage. Talk with your spouse about the things you love about your relationship and the areas you want to improve. Work together to build a happy and lasting marriage.
Shaelynn Miller is a journalist who has a passion for photography, video production and writing.
Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.