4 things your motherhood rants are doing to your husband
Posted June 1
We all love our kids, but being a mom is hard work. We can sometimes go off on tangents about how tired, upset, disrespected, and lonely we are as moms. While it is okay to have a breakdown every once in a while, as they often help us reset and refocus, it can actually have negative effects on your husband to rant too often.
Here is what your rant really does to your husband:
Convinces him you are not happy
When you complain, your husband does not hear about the 100 amazing things that happened during your day, just the 20 not so great things. When he is only hearing about the bad things, he assumes you are not happy. When you’re not happy, he’s not happy. He may stress or worry about what to do if he thinks you are not happy being with your kids.
If you do need to vent or talk about something upsetting about your day, make sure you start and end on a positive note. Don’t make the only thing he hears negative. No one expects every day to be perfect, but they also don’t expect every day to be bad.
Makes him angry with the kids
When your husband hears about how your son acted up in karate class, he will get upset with him. It may have happened hours before and you already took care of the problem, but he is just hearing it for the first time. It is natural to react in this way if you are telling the story with a lot of emotion and anger.
Instead, try to be more informative than emotional. Calmly recount the events of the day, and tell the whole story, including the ending where the behavior was corrected. You don’t want your husband to turn into the bad guy who always dishes out the punishments.
Feels he is not a good father/husband
Men often feel it is their job to make and keep their wives happy. They provide both financially and emotionally for us, and if we are complaining, he feels he has failed you. If your kids are acting up, he may take it as a reflection on his own ability to raise kids that behave and respect their parents. Somewhere along the line he failed in teaching these behaviors correctly.
It may not be your intention to have him feel he is not a good father or husband, but it can happen. Instead of just going off on a rant, try to give solutions to the problems you are talking about. Make the conversation more constructive than destructive. If you cannot handle another tantrum from your child in the middle of the grocery store, ask your husband what he suggests, or come prepared with some ideas to curve this behavior. Your conversation now turns into asking for advice and discussing the problem instead of just a rant about your horrible shopping trip.
Learns to tune you out
If you constantly complain, rant and talk about the bad parts of your day, your husband may learn to just tune you out. It is kind of like the boy who called wolf. If you are quick to complain, then when something really bad does happen, or something really needs to be addressed, your husband will not know. It will get lost with the 10 other-not-so-important-things you ranted about. Try to be patient and understanding of your kids, and if you find yourself complaining more than usual, give yourself a time out. Make a point of only saying positive things about your kids for the next 3 days and see how your perspective changes.
Sometimes moms just need a break, and that’s okay. Make sure you give yourself enough time to relax and regroup before heading back out into battle. You really do love your kids, so show them.
If you are happy, they are more likely to be happy too. Don’t get too lost in the details- try to focus on the good rather than the bad, and you will see how much longer you go between rants.
Megan Shauri graduated with a bachelors in Anthropology and a masters in Psychology. She lives in Orange County, CA and is a mother of twins. Contact her at Meganshauri@gmail.com