3 worries she has and 3 worries he has about sex

Posted July 23

When partners says I do, there's a common misperception that all they need is love and somehow connection in the bedroom will just happen magically. Even though your partner seems calm, cool and collected, they worry about sex just like you.

Her worries

1. Looking sexy

Women often compare their own looks to models and celebrities' bodies. This usually makes a girl self-conscious and worried about what her guy will think about her body. But it's hard to get in the mood if you or your partner feel self-conscious.

Use "mood lighting" to make you feel more comfortable. Don't dress in a baggy shirt or hide under the sheets. Try lingerie that accentuates what you like about your unique body. Give yourself some self-affirmations or ask your partner what he likes the most about you to help you feel better.

2. Keeping it exciting enough

After playing chef, maid, chauffeur and nurse all day, sometimes she just doesn't have a lot of energy left at the end of the day. Even though she wants to have sex, sometimes she just doesn't have the energy to make it great.

Remember, you don't have to have great sex every time. On the nights when you or your partner are exhausted, you can have "filler sex" where you do it just to tie you over until a later day when you have the time and energy for great sex.

Talk openly. Tell each other what kind of mood you're in. If you want it to be great, but your partner doesn't, plan a date and get ready.

3. Trying new things

She wants to try new and novel things in the bedroom, too. But she's worried this might come across as criticism of the way her husband presently has sex or that she'll be judged because of the things she wants to try.

Sex is a wonderful thing to share with the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. There's no reason your or your partner shouldn't have the sex life you want to have. Get up the guts to talk about the new things you want to try.

His worries

1. Not pleasing you enough

When it comes to the bedroom, men are like a microwave and women are like an oven. And he knows this. He tries not to climax too quickly and wants to last until the end (i.e. until his partner climaxes, too). So he tries as hard as he can to last longer.

Communicate with each other during sex. Use expressions such as "Let's wait a sec," "faster," "slower," red light," "yellow light" and "green light." This helps you and your partner stay on the same page, allowing you both to fully enjoy the experience.

Also, not all sex has to last for a long time. Talk to each other openly about what your expectations are. This will take some pressure off of him, and you'll both get what you want.

2. Seeming too needy

Every guy knows the stereotype that guys want sex more than girls. Even though this isn't always true, guys are still sensitive to the stereotype and don't want to be "that guy" who seems like he wants sex all the time.

So, your guy might only subtly make an advance or say he only kinda wants to make love when actually he really wants to. Be sensitive to this.

3. Trying new things

When guys get married, they have ideas about things they want to try in the bedroom. But they also know women can be sensitive and even insecure about sex, so they don't want to talk about these things in case doing so will make their women upset.

For both partners, the answer is the same: Get up the guts to talk about the new things you want to try. Even if you don't want to try something, this conversation can be fun because you will talk about each other's interests and you may come up with some other ideas to try.

Aaron Anderson is a therapist and Director of The Marriage and Family Clinic in Denver, CO. He is a writer, speaker and relationship expert. Checkout his blog for expert information on how to improve your relationship.


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