17 obvious signs your husband is cheating on you ... with food
Posted May 11, 2016
You are the one and only woman in his life; but sometimes other women aren't the only threat.
Here are 17 ways you can tell if your husband is turning to food to fill that hole in his heart.
1. He calls you "honey," "cupcake" or "dumpling" instead of your name
His relationship with food has intensified to the point where he wishes you were food. You're not just a piece of meat.
2. He does his dishes immediately after eating
He quickly scrubs away any evidence that could be incriminating. If he forgets to use the disposal, grab a clothes hanger and see what you can fish out.
3. He looks in the kitchen cupboards repeatedly within a few minutes time
What's he looking at? There's nothing new in that cupboard. He sure closes it quickly when you walk by. Is that peanut butter on his lips?
4. He gets home from work and asks "what's for dinner?" instead of "How was your day?"
This is a clear sign of where his priorities are.
5. When something is in the microwave he's checking out the countdown clock instead of you
He's thinking about something during those 47 seconds, and it's not you.
6. He starts trying out new recipes
Why the sudden interest? Maybe he's got a secret recipe you don't know about.
7. He packs his own lunch
Do you even know what's in there?
8. He stops taking a lunch altogether
He's got to eat at some point. What's he eating? Obviously it's more attractive than anything you have to offer.
9. He keeps a stash of food close to the bed
This is crossing the line, and he knows it. Does he know how many nights you silently cry yourself to sleep?
10. He stops using cutlery
An appropriate relationship with food involves knives, forks and spoons. There's a mutual respect for each other. If he's ditched the cutlery and starts getting handsy with his food, be concerned.
11. He doesn't want to go anywhere with you ... until he learns there's going to be free food
This is evidence of much more than a casual relationship with food.
12. He doesn't talk with his mouth full
He's savoring his food instead of you.
13. You find out he has a Pinterest account
How many food boards is he following? Why hasn't he told you? Follow his boards and see how he reacts.
14. He stops caring about his appearance
He no longer feels the need to impress you and instead has fully submitted to his mistress, Little Debbie.
15. He volunteers to go grocery shopping
Don't be fooled; he's being more than just nice. He's got the freedom to buy whatever he wants without you knowing. You can be sure he'll burn the receipt.
16. If he's grocery shopping with you, he tries to sneak items into the cart
He thinks you don't notice, but you do. You notice every sleazy detail. If you don't confront him, soon there will be a new Hostess in the house.
17. He regularly gets up for a "midnight snack"
He thinks he's sneaky enough to get out of bed without waking you. He's wrong, and you've set up the baby monitor in the kitchen to get the scoop -- just as he does.
If he's exhibiting these obvious signs, he's bitten off more than he can chew.
It's time to sit down with your husband and remind him who his bread and butter really is.
If he can't cut the mustard, it may be time to drop him like a hot potato.
Sorry those jokes were so cheesy.
Don't egg me on.
David Snell is a humor writer for the FamilyShare team. He's OK. Twitter: @e_snell