13 pieces of terrible dating advice straight from Wikipedia
Posted June 2
When you’ve got to the know the answer, you go to the internet. Whether it’s the best way to get marker out of suede, or needing to know 57 ways to use coconut oil, the internet is there for you. It’s also an invaluable way to get some decent dating advice and some truly terrible suggestions.
Read for a laugh, but follow at your own risk:
The bacon brush
Apparently, brushing something off your darling’s face is a sweet and romantic gesture, unless it’s food. The article clearly states: “Don’t brush any food off her face. Saying ‘Wait, you have a little chunk of bacon on your chin’ is just not hot.”
No news yet on how toast crumbs or whipped cream will be received.
Wanna be a sickeningly adorable couple? "During lunch, feed each other like babies. Don't do the "here comes the train" thing, but put small portions of food (like french fries) into each other's mouths." If you are looking for an illustration, check out the full article.
Bring a paper towel
Tips for hand holding are outlined well and very clearly on this particular Wikipedia page: “Always try to have clean, dry hands. If she gets a whiff of the onions you were cutting … hours earlier, that’s not good. If you tend to get clammy hands, carry a dry paper towel in your pocket and use it right before you touch her. Avoid having cold hands, because this will startle her.”
Better bring a paper towel and hand warmers along on your date this weekend.
"Eye" love you?
The classic “loose eyelash” brush makes an appearance in this article, but comes with a piece of chuckle worthy advice: "Obviously, don't stare at her face all night until you finally see an eyelash there. But if you do see one, great.”
Not heeding this suggestion would move a date from fun to freaky in record time.
Never "leg me" go
"Sit together with your legs intertwined in each other’s." Simple, straightforward, and sickening. Read more here.
To crush or not to crush
If you are ever unsure if you have a crush on someone, a Wikipedia page is here for you. The full article makes it easy by just letting you ask 3 simple questions:
- "If you listen to a romantic song and think, ‘Hey, that’s how I feel!’ you have a crush.
- If you watch a movie like “Titanic” and envision you and your special someone as Jack and Rose, you have a crush.
- If you read Romeo and Juliet and immediately identify with the hopelessly deep love of the main characters, you have a crush."
We’ve learned food brushing is off-limits, and to not stare in hopeful anticipation of a loose eyelash, but lying is encouraged. “Say that she has something in her hair, even if she doesn't actually have anything there, and break the touch barrier this way.”
Being tickled is a classically flirtatious move, and is addressed pretty bluntly here: "Tickling a girl in her sides is innocent enough. But, it's best to do with girls you are friends with, not random ones.”
Got that? No random tickling.
“Autographed with love”
While the online article does have some good suggestions, the idea of autographing something with love seems creepy, not cute: "It's fun to give each other little gifts for his/her birthday, your anniversary, Christmas, or "just because." The very first gift should be something made from paper, like a sweet homemade (not store-bought!) card or a printed photo of you two together. Make sure it's autographed with love."
Of course you want the world to see how cute you are, so make sure to do as this article states and "take pictures of you two together. Post them on Facebook/Instagram so everyone can see how cute you look together."
Have no other motive than to overload your feed with cuteness induced jealousy.
If you forget anything else, remember these 3 takeaways (more advice here):
- Please don't overdo anything.
- Don't match all the time, you will look creepy.
- When giving cards as gifts, make sure they're neat and not bent/torn/crumpled.
Emily is a graduate of Brigham Young University and is a staunch believer in pie as breakfast food. Read more about her travels and tastings at ercummings.blogspot.com.